The Friends and Family Handbook Archives - Women’s Aid

How dangerous is domestic abuse?

Stacey Kelly-Maher — Fri, 11 Apr 2025 13:05:21 +0000

How dangerous is domestic abuse?

In the UK:

Every five days, a woman is killed by a partner or ex-partner
Every four days, someone dies by suicide after experiencing domestic abuse

These figures, whilst shocking, are underestimates (less than the true numbers), because they do not include deaths where domestic abuse was not known about, not understood or recognised as a contributing factor, or where the death was mistakenly recorded as ‘accidental’ or ‘unexplained’. Also, the danger and risk increase when a survivor decides to leave or end the relationship, so some of the women who die may not be in the relationship anymore.

So, you can see that both the domestic abuse itself, and the impacts that the abuse has, can lead to death for people who are being abused. Even when an abuser is using behaviours that seem less likely to cause serious harm, these behaviours can quickly increase, change, and escalate, and become very dangerous (see indicators of risk).

And, of course, as someone outside of the relationship, you may not be aware of all the forms of abuse that are happening, or how severe the domestic abuse is.

Your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, may understand how dangerous the situation is becoming, and may be very aware of the behaviours the abuser might use. She may take steps to ‘manage’ the increasing risk, using strategies to try to stay as safe as she can within the situation. For example, by hiding any potential weapons, or by agreeing to the abuser’s demands.

You may see a survivor taking these actions without understanding why she is doing these things, and the strategies she is using may not always make sense to you. Some of her actions may not be successful in keeping her safe, but it is important to understand that the survivor is trying to protect themselves.

I just knew when he was building up to something, an argument about something small and I could easily end up in hospital again. I’d do everything he asked and more, but it was never enough to stop it.

Some people who are experiencing domestic abuse may not realise how much danger there is. Your awareness about whether the situation is changing and escalating can be really important. It can be helpful to support the person to think through whether things are getting worse, or more dangerous, and whether there are actions they can take to protect themselves.

And, unfortunately, ending a relationship with an abuser does not necessarily end the abuse, or reduce the level of danger. In fact, often the risk increases, which means that leaving a relationship is a particularly dangerous time. Careful planning is needed, and there are things you can do to help the person to consider their safety.

Indicators of risk

Every situation of domestic abuse is different, but there are some indicators of risk – behaviours and events which may increase risk and danger. You may notice behaviours which are not in this list, but which cause you to be concerned and worried. Trust your gut – if you think things are becoming more dangerous, they probably are.

the number of telephone calls that she received on a daily basis, the number of texts. He wouldn’t leave her alone. Some of the threats that she told us about in terms of things like, “If you break up with me, I’ll kill myself. If you break up with me, my family will get you.”
He also threatened to throw acid in her face to spoil her looks and her career [in the beauty industry]. So, those types of things were very alarming to us, as a family, as a mum and dad. That’s something we’d never encountered before, so, for us, the obvious action to take was to involve the police, because I thought it was getting to a dangerous situation. Not to the level of [her] losing her life. Never in a month of Sundays did I think that, but it was at a level, I thought, we needed outside help here.

In any situation, it can be very difficult (and scary) for you to try to assess the level of danger, and to offer support, so please do not feel that you have to do this alone. Expert help is needed from specialist organisations, who can help the survivor to work out how much danger she is in, and offer advice about the steps she can take to stay as safe as possible, both within, and after ending/leaving the relationship.

As a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, you can also contact many of these organisations yourself to ask for support, information, and advice about how you can assist a survivor. You can contact most of these organisations anonymously, in other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.

Because domestic abuse often results in periods of poor mental health, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm, it can also be helpful to get in touch with some of the organisations who provide emotional support for people impacted by domestic abuse. A survivor may feel worse, rather than better, at the point when they end or leave a relationship, or for a period of time afterwards, so it is important that they get professional help and support.

Indicators of risk

The following list are behaviours or events which we know are associated with an increased risk of harm. In other words, they may mean that the domestic abuse is getting worse and becoming more dangerous. This is particularly true if the behaviours happen more often, are more severe, or if you notice that lots of them are happening:

The survivor makes the decision to leave or does leave the relationship or the home. Or the survivor starts a new relationship.
The survivor or her children are scared that they will be hurt and tell you that things have become worse.
You find out that the person who is being abusive has a criminal record for violence or has been violent or abusive before to partners or family members.
The person who is being abusive increases their controlling, stalking, and monitoring behaviours. They may also become less predictable, so that it is difficult to know how they will behave, or what they will do next.
Physical or sexual violence starts, increases, escalates (becomes worse or happens more often), or takes on new forms, for example strangulation, or use of weapons.
The person who is being abusive threatens suicide or makes threats to seriously harm or kill the survivor, her children, her family and friends, or any pets.
The abuser starts to destroy the possessions and property of the survivor, her children, and other people connected with the situation.
The abuser starts, increases, or escalates (becomes worse or happens more often) their abuse of, or cruelty towards, children and pets.
The survivor becomes more and more isolated from you, and from other people close to them.
There is conflict about child access arrangements, or the abuser is using these contacts to further abuse and control.
The abuser’s jealousy increases, and they accuse their partner of (imagined) affairs.
The physical or mental health of the abuser and/or the survivor get worse. The abuser and/or the survivor increase their use of alcohol or drugs.
Life events such as pregnancy, retirement, redundancy, financial problems, or moving house.
The abuser starts to make plans to seriously harm or kill the survivor, including searching the internet for ways to do this. They may also start telling other people about their plan.
The abuser starts to use, or to gather, objects, weapons, or tools to harm, incapacitate (stop or disable), or kill the survivor.

Remember in an emergency situation you should always call 999 for the Police. If you cannot talk, you will be asked to press 55 to be put through.

Use 999 BSL for a British Sign Language interpreter to connect you to emergency services.

If you are a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague of someone who has died as a result of domestic abuse (either by murder or suicide), help is available through a UK-based specialist organisation called Advocacy After Fatal Domestic Abuse (AAFDA). They can provide listening support (including peer support), advice and information, support in meetings with agencies (such as police and local authorities), practical help, and support with domestic homicide reviews, inquests, and mental health reviews.

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About domestic abuse

Jess Milton — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:57:00 +0000

About domestic abuse

‘Domestic abuse’ is often used to describe abuse from one partner towards another, or from one adult family member towards another. It can be difficult to know exactly what the terms mean and, for people outside of the relationship, it can be difficult to know whether or not you should be concerned. There are also many myths about domestic abuse that are widely believed.

When we speak to friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse, they often tell us that they don’t know much about domestic abuse, and that it would be helpful if they understood more. Even if you do know quite a lot about domestic abuse, it can be useful to remind yourself. As you read the information, it may also help you to think about how to provide the best possible support.

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They’ve decided to leave, how can I help?

Stacey Kelly-Maher — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:53:29 +0000

They’ve decided to leave, how can I help?

The person may decide to stay in the relationship longer than you want them to, or you may find yourself offering help and support over a period of time. However, there are useful things that you can do before someone leaves a relationship, when they end the relationship, or after they have left.

They have decided they want to end the relationship, how can I help them to get ready?

They’ve decided to stay, how can I help?

Stacey Kelly-Maher — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:52:24 +0000

They’ve decided to stay, how can I help?

We know that one of the most difficult things to understand, and to cope with, is a survivor deciding to stay in the relationship. Or, if they leave/end the relationship, and then return to it. Many of the people we speak to, tell us how they struggle, at times, not to feel angry or frustrated about the decisions a survivor is making. And then they feel guilty and upset with themselves for feeling cross about the situation. These are very common impacts – and people usually feel this way because they care about the survivor, they want her to be safe, and they want the situation to be resolved. If you feel able to, there are many things that you can start doing or keep doing, even if the person you are supporting stays within the relationship. And perhaps one of the most important things, is to understand some of the common reasons why people may struggle to leave or end relationships with an abuser.

Reasons why people stay & ways to help

From the outside, it can be difficult to understand how complicated relationships can be when experiencing abuse, and how much fear and danger are involved in the leaving/ending process. There are all sorts of reasons why people stay in the relationship, and it can be helpful to learn about these, so that you understand the situation from the survivor’s point of view.

This may also help you to think about how you can continue to offer support during this period of time. Being patient and kind in your support, and ‘being there‘ in a variety of ways as you offer help and support over time is useful. And there are also other things you can do which are connected to the reasons why people stay.

Every situation is different, but some of the common reasons why women stay in relationships while experiencing abuse, even if they want to leave, include the following:

Hope that the abuser will change or that the situation will get better

Abusers can be very clever at manipulating people, making them believe that things will get better, or be different, in the future. Sometimes they do this by saying ‘sorry’, making promises that they will change, or by using gifts, kindness, and loving words or gestures towards the survivor. However, apologies do not excuse abuse, and behaviour like saying sorry, offering gifts or promising to change can be used as tools to keep the survivor within the relationship. It does not mean that the abuse will end, or that the control over the survivor will decrease.

“He probably told me more than 100 times that he was sorry, and that he could change. I really, really wanted to believe that things could be different one day.”

Survivor

If someone is really hopeful that things will get better, they will probably find it hard to hear any views which challenge this, and they may distance themselves from you if you strongly share opinions which are different to theirs. What you can do, is to ask gently for more information about these hopes for change. So, for example, if the person says that an abuser’s behaviour has been kind recently and that they think this is the start of a big change, you could ask them questions about whether the abuser has been kind in the past, what changes they are hoping for, and how they will know if those changes have happened.

In this way, you are not confronting the survivor with a different opinion about their hopes, but you are giving them space to think through what their hopes are, what this means for them, and whether the hopes are realistic.

Fear for safety

Women who are experiencing domestic abuse may be scared to end the relationship. They may be fearful for their own safety, the safety of people they care about (including children), and the safety of pets. Abusers often make threats to hurt, injure, or kill a survivor, or her friends, relatives, or pets, if she makes the decision to leave.

An abuser may also threaten to damage a survivor’s property or possessions, or to share intimate images of them. Having lived in the relationship with the abuser, survivors are often aware of the violence and abuse they’re capable of.

Never try to persuade someone that the risk is less than they believe it is. If the person decides to remain in the relationship, the best thing you can do is seek help and advice yourself from specialist services to find out how dangerous the abusive situation is, and how you can support the person you know to leave safely, and remain safe, when they are ready.

You could also let the survivor know that you are concerned about her safety (and the safety of her children) and, if she is happy to talk with you about this, there are general safety tips you can share. 

Remember in an emergency situation you should always call 999 for the Police. If you cannot talk, you will be asked to press 55 to be put through.

Use 999 BSL for a British Sign Language interpreter to connect you to emergency services.

For the sake of children

If children are part of the situation (for example, the survivor has children or the abuser has children), a survivor may be concerned about the impact on the children if she ends the relationship. A survivor may feel that children need 2 parents/parental figures (or contact with their extended families) in order to thrive – in the UK, there are strong societal and cultural opinions about this, and particularly about the rights of parents to interact with their children, even if a parent behaves abusively towards their children, or towards other people. These societal ideas do not recognise the connection between an abuser and their role as a parent, and how a pattern of coercive control may impact children.

It can be difficult for survivors to challenge these ideas, both internally (to consider their own thoughts about these ideas) and externally (worrying about the judgements of other people, including professionals). Abusers often make threats to contact social services, or to declare that a survivor is an ‘unfit mother’ if she decides to end the relationship. Understandably, this can make a survivor very nervous about losing her children.

A survivor may also want to protect or stay in contact with an abuser’s children. She may worry about what the end of the relationship will mean for these children.

Survivors may also be concerned about the impacts on their children of changes which happen as a result of leaving the relationship. For example, less contact with important people in their lives, and moving area, house, and schools.

“You get all these messages in the media about kids needing to parents, and I was worried that I just wouldn’t cope on my own, or that the children would hate me for leaving.”

Survivor

“I think she realised that I’d had enough and was going to walk away from the relationship. She told me that if I ever did, she’d contact social services with a whole list of my faults, and I’d never see the kids again. I couldn’t take that risk.”

Survivor

If a survivor feels that she is doing a good job of being a mum, it may make it easier for her to feel that she could parent her children on her own – this may overcome one barrier to leaving/ending a relationship.

If someone is worried about parenting children on their own, there are things you can do to help. Possibly the most important, is to support them as they parent their children, by helping build their confidence. If you see them using good parenting skills, (for example, being kind, consistent and respectful, setting good boundaries, and staying calm) encourage them by giving them positive feedback.

No parent gets everything right, but unless a child is at risk of harm, try not to criticise, compare, judge, or take over. Instead, be kind – share your own parenting challenges or difficulties with the survivor and gently discuss how each of you could do things differently. You could also share ‘support for parents’ resources with her and perhaps go through them together.

Another thing that you can do, (without criticising, judging, or blaming) is to let the person know that you care about their children, and that you are worried that they might be affected by the situation. By gently expressing your concern, this may help you to talk together about the environment that children need to feel safe and to thrive.

We know that children are survivors of domestic abuse in their own right, and the effects of changes which happen as a result of leaving are usually less (especially long term) than the effects of living in a home where the abuse continues. Most survivors under-estimate how much of the abuse their children have seen, heard, and experienced, and, for many women, the main reason for ending the relationship is to protect their children.

It may be helpful to share resources for children if they need support:

Childline is available on 0800 1111, via email, or children can have a 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor online
A safe adult can use the Women’s Aid directory to explore which services are available locally for children and young people.
YoungMinds have lots of advice to help children and young people understand more about what they’re feeling and find support with their mental health.

Love

Love is sometimes the hardest reason for people outside of the relationship to understand – many people struggle with the idea that it is possible to love someone who is behaving abusively. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse.

Abusers often use these feelings to manipulate a survivor’s behaviour. Saying things like, ‘If you loved me, you’d do what I ask‘, ‘You wouldn’t do that if you cared about me‘. But they also use these feelings to try to prevent a survivor from leaving.

“I still completely loved him, and I hate the idea of leaving him alone and miserable in our flat. I wanted to wear my rings, even after I left, but I didn’t feel that other people would understand that I wasn’t ready to let go just yet.”

Survivor

From speaking with survivors, we know that they often feel conflicted feelings about the love and care they feel for an abuser, and that it is important that these feelings are not judged, dismissed, or ignored by other people.

By gently asking open questions about how the person feels towards the abuser, in a supportive way, you will give the survivor an opportunity to think about what their feelings are.

Stigma and shame

Shame and stigma are also a key part of “honour”-based abuse, where there can be significant consequences if a family believes someone to be bringing dishonour or shame. Survivors may be shamed to maintain control and prevent them speaking out. You can learn more about “honour”-based abuse and how to support someone on Karma Nirvana’s website. You can call their helpline for emotional support and expert guidance to help you understand if someone you know may be experiencing this.

By ending a relationship which is abusive, a survivor may feel that their experiences of abuse will be highlighted to other people. For example, that they may have to explain to others why the relationship has ended or explain why they have made particular decisions and choices.

A survivor may also be concerned that people’s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened. There can be additional stigma and barriers for survivors who work in the domestic abuse sector or in a role that supports survivors e.g. GP, social care, police. There can be barriers where they may not be able to reach out to some services because of professional links.

“I couldn’t believe it had happened to me. I was worried that my colleagues would see me differently if they knew, and they would undermine everything I’d worked so hard for.”

Survivor

“My parents have been together over 50 years and have strong views about marriage. I couldn’t bear the idea that they would think I hadn’t tried hard enough or had failed to stick with it.”

Survivor

One of the ways you can help someone who is feeling embarrassment, shame, or stigma about their experiences of domestic abuse, is to reduce the silence. Feelings of shame often remain, or grow, if we do not let ourselves talk about difficult experiences. This does not mean that you need to talk directly about the person’s own experiences, especially if they are not keen to do this. But, by talking about domestic abuse more generally, you can help to bring it out into the open. You might chose to share some information that you have recently learnt about domestic abuse

Or you could use a recent news story, or a soap opera/TV storyline, to start a conversation. By talking about domestic abuse, without necessarily talking about the person’s own experiences, you can give lots of helpful responses and messages.

Practical reasons

Some women experiencing domestic abuse have very little access to the resources (money, accommodation, transport etc.) and support that they need to leave a relationship. For some people, it can be a choice between remaining in the relationship, going into a refuge, or making themselves homeless.

If a survivor is isolated from the people who care about her, she may feel that she has nowhere to go, no way of getting away, no access to money, and no idea where to go for support (including support from professionals).

There are lots of ways that you can offer practical support, but survivors often do not know that people are willing to help in this way, or they feel embarrassed about asking for practical help.

Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. You do not have to talk about the abuse itself to let the person know the practical things that you are willing and able to help with.

For example:

You know that if you ever need a bit of time to yourself, you can come and stay with me, don’t you?
I’d always be willing to have the kids for a few hours if you need to go to any appointments, or sort anything out
If you ever want to get some advice/open a bank account/find out what your rights are, I’d be more than happy to come with you, if that would be helpful

By offering practical help, even if the time is not right at the moment for the survivor to end the relationship, she will know that support is there.

It is important to recognise that the timing for leaving a relationship can be really important, especially because the danger may increase at the point of leaving. Even if a survivor wants to end the relationship, or has been thinking about leaving for a while, she may not feel ready for this to happen. Helping someone to think about the barriers to ending their relationship, can help them to find solutions, and find a way forward.

Sometimes there is a trigger point in a relationship, when the survivor decides to take immediate action. At this point, it can be really helpful if you have thought in advance about how you can offer support as they leave/end the relationship.

Whichever way a survivor chooses to leave, or to end the relationship, your patience and on-going support for her are really important. Please do not under-estimate how difficult it can be to support a survivor long-term, and to cope with seeing and hearing about the abuse over time. As you offer support, do also think about the impacts on yourself, and make sure that you look after yourself.

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How can I help over time?

Stacey Kelly-Maher — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:51:48 +0000

How can I help over time?

You may be in a situation where it feels like the domestic abuse has been happening for a long time, or you may be thinking that it is likely to go on for some time.

Survivors often live with domestic abuse for months, or even years, or they return to a relationship after leaving. Many women try to leave or end a relationship with an abuser 5 or 6 times before they end the relationship forever. Every situation is different, but there can be similarities between people’s experiences. The support you can offer will depend on whether the survivor is staying in the relationship for now, or whether they are thinking about, or taking steps, towards leaving or ending the relationship.

Even after a relationship with an abuser has ended, you may notice that some effects and impacts of the domestic abuse continue. On top of recovering from the ongoing impacts of abuse, it is common for abuse to continue post-separation. Abusers frequently use legal proceedings (including divorce and child contact) to continue to control survivors. For example, if there are family court proceedings, an abuser may attempt to influence the views of professionals involved and undermine the parenting skills of the survivor. It may be difficult for your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague to say that they are struggling after the relationship has ended. They can find information about support after leaving in The Survivor’s Handbook, and they can join Survivors’ Forum to connect with other survivors to share experiences and support one another.

Survivor’s Handbook

This handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with guidance on seeking support and reaching safety.

Survivors’ Forum

Survivors of abuse can speak with other women in our supportive community of domestic abuse survivors on our Survivors’ Forum. It’s a safe, anonymous, space for women (over 18) who have been affected by domestic abuse to share their experiences and support one another.

One of the best things you can do to help someone over time is to keep ‘the channels of communication open‘ and occasionally ask some gentle questions about what is happening.

But we also know from speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues that providing support over months or years can be hard. It can be difficult coping with what you have seen and heard, and you may experience impacts yourself. It is really important that you look after yourself – if you remain OK, this will benefit the person you care about.

What does long term support look like?

In lots of ways, offering help over time is about doing the same things you have already been doing – noticing, learning about domestic abuse, asking gentle questions, listening well, responding well, signposting, recording, thinking about safety, and offering practical help – long term. This does need patience and perseverance, but survivors of domestic abuse have told us that it was really helpful when a person close to them ‘stuck around‘ and continued to be kind and supportive.

Showing that you care, and are interested in the person, is often about asking very open and general supportive questions, for example:

How are you doing at the moment?
You don’t seem yourself, are you alright?
Is there anything I can do to help?

You do not necessarily need to ask or talk about the abuse, or about the relationship, all of the time. In fact, if the person is hiding the abuse, or does not recognise the behaviours as harmful or abusive, they may struggle to connect with you, if that is all you ask and talk about.

Survivors have told us about the value of regular interactions with the people they know. For example, going out for a coffee and chatting about usual things, or doing an activity (walking, swimming, knitting, rock climbing…) together. These everyday contacts can help someone to see a life beyond the abuse they are experiencing, to develop trust in the people who might help them, and to increase their confidence and self-esteem.

Even if you do not live near to the person you are supporting, or if their freedom to leave the house is limited by the abuser, you may still be able to stay in touch and to connect. Sometimes an abuser may monitor someone’s devices or accounts but you could ask what they need and which platforms are best/safest.

It is important to remember that staying in touch in these ways may not be possible, or even safe, for a survivor. If the person seems unwilling to be in touch, they may still want to see you or to speak to you, but it may be difficult or dangerous for them to do so. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us about the ‘creative‘ ways they have found to stay in touch, and to be aware of what is happening. For example, sometimes people look at a survivor’s social media account (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) to check whether she is posting anything, and to see if the posts give any information about how she is doing.

Some people stay in touch through another person (for example, if the abuser will not let the survivor see you, but will let them see someone else that you know and trust). And sometimes, people use events and opportunities, like birthdays, to be in touch in a very general way. This type of contact lets the survivor know that you care, and that you are still there for them, without letting the abuser know that you are worried about what is happening in the relationship.

It is about balance in your communication, because not talking about what is happening, and about your concerns, can also be unhelpful. So, a mix of asking gentle questions about how the person is doing, and whether there is anything you can do to support them, and also generally staying in touch, so the person knows you are there for them.

Sometimes survivors leave or end a relationship with an abuser because things get worse, are harder to deal with, or because of a particular event or ‘trigger’. People are also more likely to leave if they are sure they will get support from other people, especially the people around them. Offering help and support, kindness and care, in a reliable way, will help the person to trust you, and to accept your offer of support when they are ready.

How can I help a survivor to recover from the long-term impacts of abuse?

One of the questions that we are asked is how to help a survivor recover from the impacts of their experiences. Experiencing domestic abuse can affect all parts of someone’s life, including impacts on their physical health, emotional and mental health, relationships, and finances. Domestic abuse can also cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – high levels of anxiety caused by very traumatic events. Children and teenagers can also experience a range of impacts.

The effects of domestic abuse, on survivors, can last for a few months, a few years, or may continue throughout their lives. This includes both adults and children; children are legally acknowledged as survivors in their own right. Children can experience abuse and be affected by it in a number of ways. You can learn more about this in The Survivor’s Handbook. But many survivors do recover, thrive, and flourish, even when some of the impacts continue for quite a long time. The help and support that you give, over time, can be a really important part of this recovery.

Two helpful things you can do to support someone as they recover after domestic abuse, are: (1) continue to be there for the person, offering kindness and care, and (2) signpost them to organisations that can support them. Sometimes it can be helpful for the support to come from someone independent, who is not connected with the situation, or from an organisation that specialises in offering this kind of expert emotional support. You can learn more about accessing support after leaving in The Survivor’s Handbook. They may find it helpful to have a look at Bloom. They have free online courses that cover topics such as recovering from abuse and healing from sexual trauma. These can be completed in the survivor’s own time and pace.

They can also join Survivors’ Forum to connect with other survivors to share experiences and support one another.

What you can do is continue to listen well and respond well, and also look after yourself. Listening over a long period of time can be hard, and you may need some support yourself to deal with all that you have heard.

Some people worry that continuing to talk about the domestic abuse, once the person is safe, may be unhelpful, because they think it will remind the survivor about their past experiences. Everyone is different, and each person copes in different ways at different times. Our advice is to be honest with the survivor, and to let her know that you are not sure what would be most helpful. Let her know that the control is hers – agree that if you start talking together about the abuse or the relationship, and she does not want to continue, that she can ask you to stop, without giving a reason, and that you will stop.

Domestic abuse also effects people’s self-esteem, and their sense of self-worth, so anything you can say or do to help rebuild these will be helpful. For example, telling the person what you like about them, or giving them a compliment about something they have done. Sometimes doing a new activity, especially if you do it together, can also help to increase the person’s confidence in their own abilities.

Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues often tell us that they feel a great responsibility to ‘get it right‘ as they try to help, particularly if the abuse, or the impacts of the abuse, continue over a long time. Even with the best intentions, you may not always say or do the right thing. However, if you ‘stick around‘, offer kindness and care, ask and listen to the survivor about what she wants and needs, and look after yourself, you will be a really useful support.

If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse.

The greatest gifts you can give a survivor (both short-term and long-term) are kindness, patience, and regular reminders that you are there for them.

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Why haven’t they told me

Stacey Kelly-Maher — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:50:33 +0000

Why haven’t they told me?

Why isn’t she telling me what is happening?

She may not recognise her experiences as abuse

People who are experiencing harmful behaviours from a partner or family member may not think of their experiences as domestic abuse. For some people, this can be because they have had previous relationships which have also been abusive, or because they have seen similar behaviours in the relationships around them, either as a child or as an adult. If this is the case, they may think that the abuse they are experiencing is a normal part of any relationship.

Another reason why survivors do not always think of their experiences as abuse, is because some abusers alternate between behaving well and behaving badly – this can trap a survivor into doubting themselves, worrying it’s in their head, thinking that the person really does care about them, or that the person will eventually change. This can make it hard for a survivor to recognise the relationship as abusive.

“He said he won’t do it again and that he loves me. I think he does, it’s just the drink that makes him nasty…”

(Survivor)

Also, abusers often blame survivors and tell them that the abuse is their fault. And sometimes an abuser will tell the person that the abuse is for the survivor’s own benefit or protection. If these lies and blaming happen over a long period, it can be really hard for a survivor to trust their own sense of what is happening. Again, this makes it difficult for them to recognise that they are experiencing domestic abuse.

She may be worried about telling you

Even if the person has recognised that they are experiencing domestic abuse, they may be worried about telling people, even people who care about them. Some of the common reasons for this are:

Fear about what will happen if she tells people

The abuser may have threatened to harm the person, or other people, if they tell anyone about what is happening. It is common for abusers to threaten to kill, injure, or hurt survivors, or to damage their property, or share intimate images of them. It is also common for abusers to make threats about harming children, friends, family members, neighbours, colleagues, and pets. They may tell the survivor that she could lose her children through family courts or social services. Abusers will often utilise a survivor’s insecure immigration status against them, telling them they’ll be deported, or no-one will believe them. An abuser might threaten to “out” an LGBTQ+ survivor, or withhold medication or care from a disabled survivor.

These threats can be very scary for people experiencing abuse, because they are often aware of the violence and abuse the person is capable of. Fear for safety is one of the main reasons why people stay in a relationship while experiencing abuse.

Not wanting to worry other people or get them involved

Some of the survivors we speak to, do not tell the people close to them about what is happening, because they do not want them to be anxious or worried.

Embarrassment or shame about experiencing domestic abuse

Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed that they have experienced domestic abuse. In spite of the changes in societal views about domestic abuse over the years, there is still a great deal of stigma and shame which remain. A survivor may also be concerned that people’s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened. 

Worry about people’s reactions

It can be difficult for a survivor to know how other people will react if they tell them about the abuse. It is common for an abuser to tell a survivor that no one will believe them, and the survivor may think that this is true. They may also worry that you will be cross with them for ‘putting up‘ with the abuse, or that you will try to take over and make decisions for them.

Many survivors are also concerned that if they tell someone who cares about them, that this person will challenge or confront the abuser; harming the abuser, themselves, or making things worse for the survivor.

She may not be ready to make any changes yet

Even at the point where someone realises that they are experiencing domestic abuse, they may not be ready to take action. Some of the common reasons for this are:

Love for the person who is being abusive

Love is one of the hardest reasons for people outside of the relationship to understand. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse. Many survivors are not ready to make changes in their relationship, because they hope that the abuser will change or that the situation will get better.

Feeling that they do not deserve to be treated well

After experiencing abuse for some time, a survivor’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth can become so low that they do not feel that they deserve to be treated well. Some survivors are also worried about what they will lose by making changes, particularly if they feel that this is their only chance for a relationship or for a family.

Feeling scared about making changes

Making changes can be scary for lots of reasons. A survivor may be scared about how the abuser will react, and what they might do; scared about what other people might think; and also scared about what any changes will mean practically. For example, making the choice to leave or to end a relationship where abuse is taking place might mean: leaving home, going into a refuge, changing location, moving children to new schools, changing jobs, and coping with the costs of fleeing. These are big changes, which are difficult to make, especially if the abuse has reduced the survivor’s self-esteem, confidence, and independence. Often this is after many years of isolation and economic abuse where an abuser might have prevented a survivor from working, controlled their bank account, and gotten them into debt. In our 2022 survey, two thirds of survivors (67%) told us they could not get £500 together if they needed to.

Trying to get the timing right

Sometimes there is a trigger to leaving or ending a relationship with an abuser; when the person who is experiencing abuse decides to take immediate action. But it does not always happen like this. Sometimes people realise that they are experiencing abuse, and decide that they want to make changes, but plan to take action in more gradual ways.

So, if you are thinking ‘why hasn’t she told me what is happening?‘ It may be that she has not recognised her experiences as abuse, it may be that she is worried about telling you, and it may be that she is not ready to make any changes yet. The survivor may also worry that telling someone about what is happening, will make the situation real, so that it is no longer hidden, even from themselves.

What can I do at this stage?

Even if the person is not telling you what is happening, there are still useful things that you can do to help.

The first is about keeping the channels of communication open between yourself and the survivor. If the abuser tries to stop your communication, you may need to be creative about staying in touch. For example, meeting the person when they go to the supermarket, or phoning them at work.

Asking gentle questions about the relationship is important, but if you are worried that this is creating a distance between you, it’s OK to talk about other things for a while. Changing your conversations to more general talk allows your relationship with the survivor to continue, without them feeling under pressure. You can always return to asking gentle questions about their relationship another time.

The second thing you can do is to prepare yourself in advance. By learning about domestic abuse, and by finding out about the organisations you can signpost the survivor to, you will be ready when the person tells you what is happening. You can also contact some of the specialist organisations yourself to find out more about the support they offer.

"I really wasn’t sure where to go with it, but I figured that she’d tell me when she was ready… There were times when she’d cancel seeing me, and I’m sure it was because he’d said, ‘no’. I started going to the park near her house with the kids, so that we’d bump into each other. I also read up about domestic abuse to help me understand her situation more, and I found out about our local domestic abuse charity… I decided that the best way to be a mate was to stay in touch and to be ready for when she wanted to tell me…”

Friend to a survivor Tweet

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They’ve told me what’s happening

Stacey Kelly-Maher — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:49:29 +0000

They’ve told me what’s happening

They’ve told me what’s happening, what should I do now?

Your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague may decide to tell you about the abuse they are experiencing.

If a survivor does talk about what is happening, it is really important to listen. Listening well to someone, particularly if they are going through a difficult experience, can be really helpful for them.

Most people feel that they are good listeners but actually, listening well to someone who is going through a tough time, can be difficult to do, especially if they are someone you care about. Your concern, worry, love, and care for the person means that you are not listening as someone separate from the situation, but as someone who is connected with it, with all your own thoughts and feelings about it.

Listening well

If a survivor starts talking about their experiences or relationship, try to listen with an open mind, and a supportive attitude, even if you do not agree with everything the person is saying. It is also important to be patient, so try not to jump in if there is a silence, and let the person take their time to talk. Some experiences cannot be talked about quickly; it may be difficult to find the words, or to find the courage. Making eye contact and having an open body posture (facing the person, without crossed arms, and not fidgeting, or getting distracted) can also be really helpful, because these things let the person know that you are really interested, and that you are concentrating on what they are saying. There are some things to avoid doing that might make a survivor feel they can’t talk to you:

Talking too much yourself – listening well means that the other person will talk more than you do. And, whilst it is OK to gently ask questions, from time to time, to check that you have understood what they are saying, it is not helpful to keep interrupting them. It is better to let the person speak freely without interruption, saving your questions for a natural gap in the conversation

Turning detective – trying to investigate or probe for more detail than you actually need to know, or than the person is comfortable to share. It is important that the person shares only the information that they want to. If you push a survivor to share more than they feel comfortable with, this may make them feel very vulnerable and exposed. When it is not your relationship, it can be easy to fall into the trap of offering too much advice, and too many opinions, which are often simplistic, and do not consider how the other person thinks and feels about what is happening. Being given too many opinions can make things more confusing, and a survivor may feel that you will be cross with them if they do not follow your advice. It can be hard to wait until the person asks you what you think, or for your advice, but it is much more helpful to do this

Being critical, judging, or blaming – if someone starts talking about what is happening in their relationship, the last thing they want is to feel blamed, criticised, or judged for the abuse they are experiencing. You may not agree with some of their decisions or choices, but if you say this to them, especially if you say it in a strong way, it is likely to affect how they can relate to you. In some situations, it can also be unhelpful to criticise the abuser, and their behaviour, when you are talking to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse – the survivor may decide to stay in the relationship or return to the relationship, and the things you have said about the abuser may create tension between you.

Responding well

Once you start a conversation about what is happening by asking gentle questions, and listening well to what the person says, the next thing you can do, is respond well. How you respond can make the difference between the person continuing to seek help, and the person feeling that they cannot talk about their experiences or seek support. Responding well to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse is a mixture of saying helpful things and doing helpful things to support them.

“I wasn’t giving her the space to have agency in the situation. Especially when he already had so much control over her, to try and have any kind of control over that situation is just disempowering for her. I could have been so much more supportive, had I known more, had I have been a little bit older or learned some of the things that I know now.

“I could have given her a space to work through her own feelings, and what she wanted to do, and what she was struggling with, and what she actually needed, and made it less about me and my opinion on the situation, and more about her safety and what she needed.”

(Friend of a survivor)

Say helpful things

We know that responding well is not always easy, especially if you are caught off-guard by the information someone shares, or if you have strong thoughts or feelings about what they say. It is OK to be honest with the person about this, and to let them know that you want to help, but that you are worried that you might ‘get it wrong‘. This creates an opportunity for an honest and open conversation, where the survivor can let you know whether what you say is helpful or unhelpful.

Some friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that, for them, responding well means putting to one side their own opinions, judgements, and feelings for a time, so that their reaction is not clouded with these. This does not mean that you need to stay silent. It is about moving your response away from your own thoughts, feelings, and needs, towards the other person – helping the survivor to consider what they think, how they feel, what they need, and want they want to do

Some of the really important messages to communicate:

You matter
I believe you
It is not your fault that the abuse is happening
I am concerned and worried about you
I want to help
You can talk to me again if you want to

You really don’t need to have all the answers to respond well – if you focus on the needs of the other person, and respond with kindness, you will help them to talk about what is happening, and this will break some of the silence, stigma, and shame around the abuse.

As well as giving these important messages to a survivor, another way to respond well is to encourage and empower them to make their own decisions and choices. Because of the tactics used by abusers, survivors often doubt themselves, doubt their gut reactions, and doubt their ability to make good decisions and choices. Supporting a survivor of domestic abuse to make their own decisions and choices can be very freeing for the person – it can help them to recover their self-esteem, their sense of self-worth, their confidence, and their power and agency.

Ask open questions

The person you are supporting may want to work out how they think and feel, and what they want to do, by talking about the options out loud. Encouraging them to do this, so they can make their own choices will help them to trust their own judgements.

If a survivor wants your help to work out how they think and feel, and what they want to do, you can support them by asking open questions – these are questions which do not have a simple ‘yes‘ or ‘no‘ answer, and which do not steer the person towards a particular answer or response. Often these questions start with ‘What‘, ‘How‘, ‘When‘, ‘Who‘, and sometimes ‘Why‘. Using these types of question will empower the survivor, because you are not telling them what to think or feel, or what to do, you are supporting them to decide for themselves. Below are some examples of open questions you could ask:

What are your thoughts about your relationship?
What do you like or dislike about the relationship?
What do you think the different options are?
What are the pros and cons of each option?
Is there anything you’d like to do at the moment?
Is there anything you’d like me to help you with?

Because you care about your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, and you want to see the situation resolved, you may feel that you want to take control and ‘sort it all out‘. You may have thoughts about rescuing them, challenging the abuser, or trying to make the relationship end. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us how uncomfortable it is when a survivor is not making the choices and decisions that they want her to. It is not unusual to have these feelings, and it can be difficult to accept that the situation is not within your control.

We know from speaking to both survivors of domestic abuse, and to people providing professional and informal support, that if other people try to ‘fix’ the situation, it can make things worse, and sometimes more dangerous. Only a survivor can decide whether they want to, or feel able to, leave or end a relationship.

If friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues try to take over and make decisions for a survivor, their behaviour can feel similar to that of an abuser – even though this is not their intention. The person they are trying to help may distance themselves from other people, which puts them in a more vulnerable position. Also, if someone confronts or challenges the abuser, or lets them know that they know what is happening, the abuser may stop the survivor from seeing other people, or may ‘punish’ the survivor with more abuse.

Keep ‘the channels of communication open’

If someone has told you about the domestic abuse they are experiencing, you may wonder what will happen next. We know that there can be quite a long time (months and sometimes years) between a survivor first disclosing abuse, and them leaving the relationship forever. Elsewhere, we give some tips and suggestions about how to continue offering support over time, but one of the things which is really important is to keep ‘the channels of communication open‘. What we mean by this, is staying in touch with the person, letting them know that you care, and from time to time asking some gentle questions.

This does not mean asking the survivor about the abuse every time you see them. In fact, this may make the person feel uncomfortable, and even stop talking to you, or seeing you. Instead, find ways to let the person know that they can always talk to you about what is happening, if they want to.

“I couldn’t go in there and rescue my sister, because it doesn’t work. But what I always said was, “I’m keeping the door open for you, and you can call me at any time. If you need me to come to you, I’ll come to you. If you want to come and stay with me for a while, you can have some respite here. So, it was just kind of keeping that door open, until the time that my sister was ready.”

(Sister of a survivor)

Doing helpful things

As well as saying helpful things, there are also helpful things you can do. These include giving them options to access professional specialist help and support, keeping a record or log about what is happening, helping the person to think about safety, and offering practical help:

Signpost to professional help

Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors can feel very alone and very responsible as they try to help. Connecting a survivor to professionals, who can offer specialist help and expertise, is a really good thing for both the survivor, and for you – so that you share the responsibility.

The person you are supporting may not be ready to speak to anyone else about what is happening, particularly professionals. However, this does not need to stop you from finding out about the different types of help and support available, or contacting some of the specialist organisations to find out more about what they can offer.

Getting advice from these organisations will help you to understand how you can support a survivor and will also help you to know the support options available. It is really useful to be able to share this information with the survivor when they are ready to reach out for help.

You can contact many of the specialist organisations anonymously. In other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.

Record what is happening

Some friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors tell us that, although they did not think about it at the time, they wish they had kept a record or a log of what was happening. A log can be useful in two ways: (1) when a survivor doubts herself and her recollection of incidents or events, a record or log can reassure her that her memories are true, that she is not misinterpreting what happened, and that she is not confused or misremembering (2) a record of events might be helpful if the situation results in legal proceedings (if crimes are committed, if an injunction is needed, or as part of the processes of separation and child custody arrangements).

If you decide to keep a record or a log, make sure it is stored somewhere that is safe and secure, where others will not find it. As well as writing information down, you may decide, if the survivor agrees, to take photos of any injuries or property damage.

We cannot say for sure that keeping a record or a log will always be helpful to a survivor, or that it will be acceptable as evidence in court, but even if it cannot be used in these ways, you may find it useful yourself, to help you to remember exactly what happened.

Suggested details to record

Dates and times of incidents or events
How you know the information (whether you saw the incident, or whether someone told you about it)
Any details about what happened (include specific information where possible, for example, any injuries, actions, or particular words used)
Whether anyone else witnessed the incident, or the impacts of the incident
Whether any professionals were involved (for example healthcare staff, police, or social workers)
Whether any children were present and/or impacted

Think about safety 

Domestic abuse is dangerous, so it is really important to think about the safety of the people involved in the situation (the survivor, any children, and those trying to help – including you). People who are experiencing domestic abuse often have strategies in place to try to reduce the risk of harm. These strategies may not make sense to people outside of the situation, but we know from speaking with survivors, that many people try to anticipate when the situation is about to become dangerous and take action to keep themselves safer.

If the person is still in the relationship, it is OK to let them know that you are concerned about their safety (and the safety and impact on their children), and to give them space to talk about what they are doing to stay safe. Try not to criticise the strategies a survivor has in place, and instead encourage them to seek professional support for safety advice.

If a person has decided to leave or to end the relationship, it is important to help them think about how to do this safely, including how to remain safe afterwards. The end of a relationship with an abuser is often a dangerous time, and can increase the risk that the person will be harmed.

Please do not feel that you have to take on all the responsibility for keeping a survivor safe. Specialist organisations and professionals for survivors of domestic abuse can provide support to create safety plans, both for reducing the risk of harm within the relationship, and for leaving the relationship. It is a good idea to get in touch with these organisations and to share their contact details with the survivor.

As well as professional support, if it is safe and appropriate to do so, there are some general tips that you can share with your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, especially if they are still in the relationship:

Safety Tips

Encourage the person to pack an emergency bag and to hide this in a safe place (for example, at your house, their workplace, or the gym) in case they need to leave their house quickly. If it is difficult to bring a whole bag at once, they could bring one item at a time from their house, over a period of time. Useful things to put in an emergency bag include: important documents for the survivor and for any children (for example, passports and birth certificates), spare keys to their home or car, money or bank cards, medicines, some clothes, and a few of the children’s favourite toys or books. It is really helpful for people to be able to just leave if they need to immediately, without having to try to find important things

Help them to work out a plan for leaving, including: who they can call, where they can go, and how they will get there. It can be really difficult to think about these things quickly, so helping the person to plan in advance can be useful

Agree a codeword with the person, so that they can let you know if they are in danger or upset. Also, agree a plan about what you will do if they use the codeword. For example, Will you go to their house? Will you call the police? Or, Will you call someone else for them?

If they have left the relationship, the person may need to change their contact details (address, phone number, email address etc.). They will also need to think carefully about who to share their new contact details with. Some of the people they know will also know the abuser, and may not keep the new contact details secret

It is also important to remember that you may be at risk of harm (including direct threats, violence, and abuse), particularly if the abuser thinks that you know what is happening, or that you are helping the survivor. If possible, do not share your contact details with the abuser, and try not to be alone with the abuser.

The risk of harm to you is most likely if you are helping with child contact arrangements. If your friend or family member need support around child contact and family courts, the Coram Children’s Legal Centre can give legal advice around child contact and provide free resources with information on child and family law. Rights of Women publish online guides on domestic abuse and family court, and they have advice lines focused on family law.

Offer practical help

There are lots of ways that you can offer practical help and support to someone who has experienced domestic abuse. Survivors tell us that the practical support they receive is really important. One of the reasons why people stay in a relationship where abuse is taking place, is because they do not know how they will manage practically (without money, accommodation, transport, and childcare) if they leave. Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. These are some examples of practical help you may be able to offer:

Practical Help

Contact support organisations or specialist helplines for the survivor, or share useful resources with them. You can contact many of these specialist organisations anonymously. In other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without having to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is. You can also let the survivor use your phone, or your computer, to contact these organisations, or to search for information.
Offer the survivor transport to appointments and go with them if they want you to. Some survivors find it helpful to have another person with them when they talk to professionals, not only for emotional support, but also to help them remember what the professional said.
Share information about practical support like the Flexible Fund which provides one-off payments to survivors.
Help the person to move to somewhere safe. For example, help them to find a place to rent, or to share information about how to find a refuge space (you will not be able to arrange a refuge space on their behalf, this needs to be led by the survivor). Help them to move their belongings, and to go to their new accommodation. Tell them about schemes like Travel to Refuge which provides free coach and train travel to refuge.
Look after their children or pets so that the survivor has time to think, to plan, to attend appointments, and to receive support.
Let the person stay in your home for a short time. This may not always be possible (or even safe, if the abuser knows where you live). If you are able to let your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague stay for a short time, or in an emergency, this will give them space and opportunity to work out what to do, and where to go next.

These examples of practical help are some of the common things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues do. It’s really positive to be able to offer practical support, while making sure you let them lead on what they need. It’s completely understandable to want to do as much as you can to help, but it’s important to not take over. If you are not sure what support the survivor needs, just ask them.

Coping with what you have seen and heard

Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that some of the things that survivors speak to them about, are difficult or upsetting to hear. In particular, descriptions of abuse can be uncomfortable, distressing, or worrying to hear, and may impact people emotionally. It is hard to forget something upsetting that you have heard, so it is important to spend some time thinking about the overall impact of the situation on you, and to find ways to look after yourself.

One particular challenge that people describe, is knowing how to act around the abuser once they know for certain that someone they care about is experiencing abuse. People describe the tension they feel; wanting to challenge and confront the abuser, and defend the survivor, but having to pretend that they know little/nothing about the abuse. This is really hard to deal with, and there are no easy answers. Some people try to see the survivor alone, and avoid the abuser, if possible; other people have little contact with the abuser, ‘put up a front‘ when they see them, and pretend they know nothing about what is happening. Both these solutions allow friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues to stay in touch with survivors, without putting anyone in more danger. Remember to think about the impact of this on you, and about ways to make sure you are OK.

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Services and resources

Jess Milton — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:48:05 +0000

Services and resources

"As friends and family, we don’t have to have all the answers, we don’t have to fix it, we don’t have to sort it all out there and then. And it can be hard for us to say to our friend or our family member; “Do you know what, I’m not the best person to do all of this with you. And I can be with you while we find that right person, and I can be by your side, if you want me to be, when you're talking about this, or after you’ve had a support session or a counselling session, but I’m not the right person to be continuing all this with you. I don’t have the skills, I don’t have all the knowledge, but we can find the right person together.”

Family member of a survivor Tweet

Remember in an emergency situation you should always call 999 for the Police. If you cannot talk, you will be asked to press 55 to be put through.

Use 999 BSL for a British Sign Language interpreter to connect you to emergency services.

There are many organisations in the UK which offer services and support to people experiencing domestic abuse. As a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague of a survivor, it can be useful to know about these organisations, so that you can give the details to the person, when they are ready to reach out for help.

Some of the organisations also offer support directly to friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues. You can contact these organisations yourself to ask for support, information, and advice.

The Findaway service for families, friends and communities offers a phoneline (0300 140 0061) and webchat for you to reach out if you’re worried about someone else. The project also offers workshops and toolkits to explore how to support someone and keep yourself safe.

Sometimes you’ll have your own experiences of abuse and supporting someone in this situation can trigger you to relive these or to need some additional support.

You can contact most of these organisations anonymously, in other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.

It can be challenging to work out who to contact in different situations, or for particular types of support, so we have collected information about some of the national organisations, across the UK, that you can contact, as a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague. We also provide a brief description of the types of help they can offer.

Understandably, many survivors are nervous about contacting professionals. If the person you know indicates that they are ready to take this step, you can support them by creating opportunities to get in touch safely, for example by letting them use your computer or telephone. You could also telephone the organisations yourself, with the survivor sitting beside you, and hand over the phone to her when she is ready to speak. To help her to access face-to-face support, you could offer to drive her to appointments, accompany her (if this is what she wants), or offer childcare whilst she attends.

Information and support for survivors

Our domestic abuse services provide a wide range of information and support to survivors of abuse from fully trained, expert female support workers. Many are for survivors only, but it’s useful to know what we provide so you can share them with your loved ones experiencing abuse.

Women’s Aid is not an emergency service. If you think you might be in danger, call the police on 999.

If you are a professional, currently working with a survivor of abuse, Women’s Aid runs the dedicated service for professionals to support you.

Our Women’s Aid services include:

Useful Links

We've gathered useful links to websites and organisations who can provide you with information and support. This includes legal advice, support for children and young people, emotional support, and more.

Domestic Abuse Directory

Our directory contains up to date information about domestic abuse support services across the UK. It is regularly updated by the services listed so you’ll be able to find the right local support, when you need it most.

Survivor’s Handbook

This handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with guidance on seeking support and reaching safety.

Survivors’ Forum

No Woman Turned Away

The No Woman Turned Away project provides dedicated support and telephone advocacy to women experiencing domestic abuse who face barriers in accessing a refuge space or safe accommodation. Survivors can find out more about the No Woman Turned Away project by getting in touch with our expert support workers through Live Chat.

People providing support to a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague have asked us, in particular, for more information about the Police. Often people are unsure when to contact them, what will happen if they do, what the responsibilities of the Police are in situations of domestic abuse, and how to make sure that the Police meet their responsibilities. It may be helpful to look at the Police and the Criminal Prosecution Process section of The Survivor’s Handbook.

For some women, their GP is the person they are most likely to tell. This is because doctors are seen as trusted individuals, who can help survivors to manage any health and wellbeing symptoms they experience as a result of abuse. GPs also have a role in referring people who have experienced domestic abuse for specialist support, and for recording details of abuse in the person’s medical record. This recorded information may be helpful at a later date if the abuse, or the relationship separation, results in a court case. It’s important to be clear with the GP the need for confidentiality – a survivor can use the “104” code to prevent automated online access to a medical record, and can ask the GP to remove specific records from online visibility so anything relating to abuse can’t be seen. If you’re concerned about an abuser having online access to medical records, you can find out more information on how to prevent this in our Cover Your Tracks Online guide.

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Looking after yourself

Jess Milton — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:46:52 +0000

Looking after yourself

The support provided by friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues to survivors is really valuable and can make all the difference in terms of the person’s safety and wellbeing. It is important to be aware, however, that trying to support someone who is close to you, can sometimes be hard.

It is not easy supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. We know from speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors, that being involved in the situation, or simply being aware of it, can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how safe you feel, and how you see the world.

When we’ve spoken to professionals who work with people experiencing domestic abuse, they have told us that their experiences of supporting a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague have been very different than carrying out their job role. In particular, these professionals talked about how overwhelming it can be to support a person you really care about, and who you are invested in, because your life is connected with theirs.

Concern for the safety and wellbeing of the person may be your first thought each morning, it can be hard to create and enforce boundaries with people you know, you may have to tread very carefully, and your emotions and feelings about the situation may be very intense. It can also be challenging for you, as someone providing informal support, to try to access professional support for a survivor of domestic abuse.

People can also feel very alone in these experiences, like they are the only person in the world going through this. Please know that you are not on your own, it’s much more common than you think for people to be helping someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. It’s one of the main reasons why we created this handbook, so that people can feel less isolated and can learn from each other’s experiences.

It is also completely normal to feel a whole range of emotions about the situation, and it is important to take some time to think about how you are being impacted, and whether there are things you can do to help yourself remain OK.

Looking after yourself is as important as the rest of the information provided on this website, because trying to help in situations of domestic abuse often takes a toll on people.

Impact on you

How are you being impacted by the situation?

Domestic abuse has an impact on everyone connected with the situation. Whether this is the first situation of domestic abuse you have come across or not, you are likely to experience some impacts as you try to help. It can be confusing to understand what is happening, why it is happening to someone you know, and what you should say and do.

Sometimes you’ll know the abuser, as well as the survivor, and they may tell you contradictory things about what is happening in the relationship, which can add to confusion.

While speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse, we have noticed the impact, toll, or burden, that trying to help places upon people. The impacts seem to be greater when the domestic abuse is on-going (or very recent), when the situation is very dangerous, when people are offering informal support over a long period of time, and when the survivor is someone they really love and care about.

The following are some of the main impacts that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse have noticed and described to us. It is completely normal to feel a whole range of different emotions about the situation. Everyone’s experience will be different.

The reason we’ve listed potential impacts is to help you think about some of the ways that you, yourself, may have been affected by the situation you’re facing, and to encourage you to actively look after yourself:

Emotional impacts

Emotional impacts

You may feel concerned, worried, anxious, or scared for the person you know. You may also feel fearful about your own safety, particularly if the person being abusive has used intimidating or threatening behaviour towards you.

You may feel helpless, powerless, or stuck. If the situation continues over a long period, you may begin to feel overwhelmed, burnt-out, or stressed.

You may feel tension, or inner conflict about what to do for the best, particularly if children or dependants are involved. You may also feel a great responsibility for the survivor’s safety, for providing immediate help, and for ‘solving’ the situation.

You may feel upset, sad, depressed, or tearful because of the situation. You may also feel quite isolated as you offer support, especially if you are the main person, or the only person, who knows about the situation, or who tries to help.

If you have seen or heard abusive behaviours, you may feel distressed, panicky, or shocked. This can feel worse if what you have seen or heard reminds you of experiences you have had yourself.

You may feel angry about the abuse, and because it is often unsafe to express anger towards the abusive person, this can make any on-going contact with the abuser really uncomfortable.

You may feel frustrated about the situation, especially if it seems like other people (including professionals) are offering poor advice and support or may even be ‘making things worse’. You may also feel a sense of frustration with the survivor, especially if you are worried that their choices and decisions will expose them to further harm.

You may feel guilt for sometimes feeling impatient with the survivor, and also blame yourself for not knowing more, or doing more to help.

Health impacts

You may have trouble sleeping, or experience nightmares, which can result in feeling drained or exhausted.

You may experience headaches, which are often a symptom of stress and tension.

You may feel sick or ‘churned up’ inside.

You may find that you don’t want to eat, comfort-eat, or experience some distress around eating.

“It’s made me quite ill actually. At times I felt like I was struggling to breathe, and my heart was racing all the time.”

Father of a survivor

“I stopped eating. My appetite just went, and I didn’t have any energy.”

Sister of a survivor

Relationship impacts

You may experience reduced contact and communication with the person experiencing abuse. This relationship may become strained and, in some cases, may end. If the survivor has children, you may also have less contact with them.

Your own relationships with friends and family members may become tense, particularly if you disagree about how best to handle the situation.

Your trust in other people may be affected by your exposure to this situation. It may change how you feel about people in general, or about certain groups of people, for example, men.

“It was such a difficult time and it drove a massive wedge between us.”

Mother of a survivor

“We had very different views on how to handle things. It really soured relationships within our friendship group.”

Friend of a survivor

Direct abusive impacts

You may experience threats from the person who is being abusive, to harm you, your property, your belongings, your pets, or the people you care about.

The person who is being abusive may try to intimidate, belittle, harass, or manipulate you.

You may experience physical violence from the person who is being abusive.

Practical impacts

It may take lots of time and energy to help a survivor. For example, helping to move, attending appointments with them, and helping to get specialist and legal support.
You may decide to offer accommodation and childcare, which will impact on the space and free-time available to you.
You may decide to help with money and resources, which will impact your own financial situation.

“I was trying to help her with the court case. I’m no legal expert but I was looking up stuff online for her.”

Friend of a survivor

“I was so worried, all the time. I felt really on edge about what was going to happen, and how long it was going to go on for.”

Cousin of a survivor

If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse.

Most people who are offering support to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse are quick to self-doubt and self-blame regarding their perceived limitations. Many people feel they don’t know enough, aren’t ‘getting it right’, or feel, at times, like they are failing, or have failed, in the support they have offered.

And yet, despite all the challenges, when we speak to friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues who are offering support, we hear amazing examples of dedication, loyalty, commitment, sacrifice, determination, resourcefulness, generosity, and love. Your support really matters, so please look after yourself.

How to look after yourself

Becoming aware that domestic abuse is happening to someone you know can change how you see the world; it can challenge your views and beliefs about how people behave towards one another, and it can make you feel less safe. And people who have supported someone experiencing domestic abuse talk about how lonely and isolating an experience it can be, especially if you are the only person who knows about the situation.

The suggestions below are things that people have mentioned to us as helpful. We do not want to give the impression that by simply following these suggestions that everything will be OK. Clearly it won’t. Trying to help someone you care about, who is experiencing domestic abuse, is tricky, confusing, and often difficult.

However, taking some time for yourself, to think about how you are doing and how you are coping, and to invest in yourself, so that you remain OK, is important. This will build and support your resilience, which in turn will benefit the person you care about.

Ways to look after yourself

Gently encourage the survivor to get in touch with specialist services. The people who work for these services have specialist knowledge and experience, so can provide the best help. This can take some of the pressure off you, because you won’t be the only person helping and supporting.
Consider contacting specialist organisations on your own behalf. These organisations welcome contact from you, as someone concerned about another person; you aren’t wasting their time or using the services inappropriately. They can listen to you, provide advice, and let you know about the services and support available locally and nationally.
If you are struggling to feel OK, you are finding things really hard, or you are feeling ‘at the end of yourself‘, do consider contacting one of the organisations providing emotional support, for example Samaritans, or have a chat with your GP. They will listen to you and can let you know about the services and support available.
Try to take some regular ‘time out’ from the situation, so you don’t end up feeling completely overwhelmed. Domestic abuse can be incredibly intense, and while your focus and attention about what is happening may be helpful, it is also important to allow yourself a break from thinking about it. There may be times when this is completely impossible because the situation is so urgent or intense. It is important to take this ‘time out’ when you can, because it is hard for our bodies and minds to remain on high alert over a long period. You may find grounding techniques helpful to cope in moments of overwhelm.
Try to make sure you have a calming sleep routine. Without good sleep, difficult situations can feel even worse, and people find it harder to make good decisions and choices. Our sleep patterns and routines can be affected when we have a lot on our mind. It is probably not a surprise then, that when you know someone who is experiencing domestic abuse, that your worries and anxieties about the situation affect your sleep. You can help your body, by trying to stick to a routine of going to bed and getting up at similar times, and by helping your mind and body to wind down before bed. Things that people have found helpful include having a relaxing bath, doing quieter activities, and not drinking alcohol or using screens at bedtime. You may find relaxation exercises or calming sounds helpful for getting off to sleep. Or, you can slow down your breathing using breathing exercises – for example, focus on each breath, and breathe in for 4 counts, and out for 7.
Another way that you can manage the impact of the situation, is by expressing how you are feeling in a safe environment. Keeping things ‘bottled up’ can make people feel trapped, tense, and isolated. Finding ways to express your thoughts, concerns, and feelings may help you to feel less on your own and will provide you with space and opportunity to really think through what is happening. You could do this by writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, or by talking to a trusted friend (who is separate from the situation), or by talking with a professional counsellor or therapist (you can find a counsellor or therapist who is local to you through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) website).
Try to look after your body and continue to be around other people. If you are struggling, you may not feel like eating or you may feel like retreating from the world, avoiding social interactions. It’s not wrong to give your full attention to what’s happening, but in order to keep yourself OK, it is important to do things which will combat some of the stress you are experiencing.

If you would like some more practical ideas, tools, and tips about how to help yourself cope with feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, distress, or low mood, take a look at the online resources provided by the NHS, Samaritans, and Mind.

“I think any third party needs support themselves, to deal with the emotional, practical side of things. And I think maybe reaching out to a professional that will be able to provide them with some information or support might be an idea, that they want to think about. But I think ultimately, as a third party, you also need to protect yourself. Because you can become so easily involved in a horrendous situation, and I think it’s important that you look after your own emotions and self-care. You know, I just think that, unless you look after yourself, it’s very difficult to look after anybody else.”

Sister of a survivor

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How can I offer support?

Jess Milton — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 12:42:44 +0000

How can I offer support?

You may be wondering how you can offer support. On this page:

What can I do?

If you think that someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, there are lots of things that you can say and do which will be helpful. While you support them, it is important to remember that you need to be patient.

Part of understanding what is helpful to a survivor, is understanding the things that are really unhelpful. We know that most people are not intending to be unhelpful, but lots of people have never faced a situation of domestic abuse before and so do not always ‘get it right‘.

In these website pages, we describe some of the most helpful things you can say and do, at the different stages of helping a survivor. Sometimes, we also include a few examples of the unhelpful things that people do, so you can see the difference, and try to avoid making these mistakes. We also give you some examples of ways to start asking, and to continue talking with someone about their experiences.

Find out what else you can do to offer support below:

What can I do?

Learn about domestic abuse

One of the reasons why people are not sure what to say or do, is that they do not know much about domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is not something that we talk about a lot, and there are lots of myths that exist. It is important to find out the truth about  what domestic abuse is, who experiences it, who perpetrates it, and why your support is important.

Finding out information about domestic abuse is helpful in two ways: (1) if you understand what is happening, you will be better equipped to offer support. (2) you can pass on the information you learn to other people who want to help, and to the survivor. People who are experiencing domestic abuse often have mistaken beliefs about domestic abuse that may hold them back from seeking help.

Ask gentle questions about what is happening

Even when we notice that something is wrong, we often find it difficult to know whether it is a good idea to say something. If your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague is experiencing abuse, they may struggle to talk about it. Most people will not start to talk about difficult experiences unless they are encouraged to do so. For this to happen, they will need to be with someone they trust, in a place they feel safe (in particular, when the abuser is not around), and they will need time to talk.

Many people struggle to identify with the term ‘domestic abuse‘ so it is best not to describe someone’s experiences in this way.

Sometimes people are worried that they will offend the person they know if they start to talk or ask about their relationship. However, research shows that most women (whether they are experiencing domestic abuse or not) do not mind if someone who cares about them gently asks about their relationship. It is easier for survivors to talk about what is happening if questions are asked sensitively – this shows your kindness and concern for them.

Starting to talk about the behaviours or impacts you notice can feel quite difficult or scary, but there are simple ways to do this. You could start by asking the person a general question about how they are, or about how things are going in their relationship. These questions invite the person to talk about what is happening if they want to, but also give them the option to choose not to talk about what is happening. Another easy way to start, is to talk about things you have noticed in the survivor’s behaviour, or in the abuser’s behaviour:

We haven’t seen much of you recently, is everything OK?
I’ve noticed you seem a bit down, has anyone upset you?
Is everything OK at home?
You don’t seem yourself, are you alright?
I’m worried about you… I saw the way they looked at you and you seemed scared?
Wow, they text you a lot, do they do that all the time?

There are lots of reasons why people experiencing domestic abuse do not tell others what is happening, or find it hard to talk about their experiences. If you ask gently, using questions like the ones above, and the person chooses not to talk about the abuse, you must respect this choice. If you try to push the survivor to tell you what is happening, they may close down, stop the conversation, and distance themselves from you. There are multiple reasons why someone might distance themselves if they’re not ready or able to share what’s going on. They may genuinely have hope that things will improve, and may find it difficult to hear strong opinions against this. They may be concerned about other people’s reactions and if others might try to take over and make decisions for them. Read more about reasons why someone might not share and how to support them when they’re ready to talk.

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