The Survivor's Handbook Archives - Women’s Aid https://womensaid.org.uk/category/the-survivors-handbook/ Until Women and Children are Safe Mon, 27 Apr 2026 13:34:54 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://womensaid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/favicon-100x100.png The Survivor's Handbook Archives - Women’s Aid https://womensaid.org.uk/category/the-survivors-handbook/ 32 32 Additional Languages https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/additional-languages/ Tue, 21 Feb 2023 09:37:01 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=25445 Additional Languages

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Additional Languages

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]]> English https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/english/ Tue, 21 Feb 2023 09:36:02 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=25582 English Audio and Transcripts

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English Audio and Transcripts

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]]> I want to leave my relationship safely https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/ Thu, 16 Feb 2023 10:38:01 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=20510 I want to leave my relationship safely On this page: Preparing to leave Making a safety plan Support services near me Getting medical treatment What will happen when I leave? FAQs about refuge Preparing to leave  However you’ve kept yourself safe until now, there may come a time when you feel the only option is […]

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I want to leave my relationship safely

On this page:

Preparing to leave 

However you’ve kept yourself safe until now, there may come a time when you feel the only option is to leave your partner.  

It’s never too early or too late to leave an abusive partner. Your safety matters — if you do decide to leave, it is best to plan your exit carefully.   

Careful planning is important because abusers can become more violent and controlling and their actions can continue to pose a danger after you have left too – so it’s a time to be especially cautious. Remember: ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse.  Women’s Aid is here for you. You are not alone.   

Thinking about leaving and making the decision to go can be a long process and may even take several attempts.  

Here is a checklist of things you may want to consider in your planning stage:   

  • Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around.  
  • Try to take everything you will need with you, including any important documents relating to yourself and your children. Remember: you may not be able to return later.  
  • Try to take your children with you, otherwise it may be difficult to have them living with you in future. You may want to contact the school to them let them know what the situation is make sure that the head and all your children’s teachers know what the situation is.  
  • If at all possible, try to set aside a small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.  

Making a safety plan 

A safety plan will help you protect yourself and your children. It will also help you think about how you can increase your safety both within the relationship, and if or when you decide to leave.  

Only your partner can change their behaviour and end the patterns of violence and abuse they are responsible for, but there are things you can do to minimise the risk of harm to you and your children.   

You might be doing some of these things already, while others might sound very obvious, but it’s worth considering each point because, joined together, they can form a very helpful plan.  

Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations, including in times of crisis. This includes thinking about different options available to you. Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers, such as: 

  • Your local domestic abuse service 
  • Police domestic violence unit 
  • GP 
  • Social worker 
  • Children’s school 
  • Solicitor 
  • Freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247  

Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency and practise what they need to say (e.g. full name, address and telephone number). You could also teach them the Silent Solution, where a caller can press 55 to tell the 999 operator that they are in an emergency and can’t speak out loud. They can also contact 999 in BSL for free by visiting the website or downloading the app. 

What about neighbours? Could you trust them to give you shelter in an emergency? If so, tell them what is going on and ask them to call the police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.  

Rehearse your escape plan so you and your children can get away safely in an emergency.  

Pack an emergency bag for you and your children and hide it somewhere safe (e.g. at a neighbour’s or friend’s house). Try to avoid mutual friends or family.  

Keep money with you at all times if possible, including change for bus fares.  

Know where the nearest phone is and if you have a mobile, try to keep it with you at all times, fully charged. If you use , Pay As You Go, make sure it’s topped with credit. 

Consider your safety options around tech. It’s important not to do these steps before leaving, as they could result in an escalation to the abuse, but it’s good to familiarise yourself with the steps. Soon after leaving, change your passwords to something the perpetrator will not be able to guess, particularly your banking and email accounts. If you want to, you can talk to your bank in confidence to let them know about your situation, they may be able to help protect your account. You can also add two-factor authentication to online banking, email and social media accounts to add an additional layer of security. Two-factor authentication requires an additional login credential to access your account. You should turn your phone’s location services off so the perpetrator cannot track you, this can be done in your phone’s settings.  

Know the safest place in your house and if you suspect your partner is about to attack you, try to go there (e.g. somewhere near an exit where you can access a telephone). Avoid the kitchen or garage where there are likely to be knives or other weapons; and avoid rooms where you might be trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.  

Be prepared to leave the house in an emergency.  If you drive, keep your car keys in a safe and accessible place and make sure your car has petrol in the tank at all times.  

If the abuse continues  

If the harassment, threats or abuse continue after you have left, try to keep detailed records of each incident, including the date and time it occurred, what was said or done, and – if possible – take photographs of damage to your property or injuries to yourself or others.   

If a perpetrator of abuse partner injures you, see your GP or go to hospital for treatment and ask them to document your visit.  

 If you have an injunction with a power of arrest, or there is a restraining order in place, you should ask the police to enforce this; and if the perpetrator is in breach of any court order, you could also tell your solicitor if you have one.  

In an emergency, always call the police on 999. Remember, if you can’t speak out loud, you can press 55 so that the operator knows you need help. You can also video call 999 to communicate in BSL for free by visiting the 999 BSL website or downloading the app.  

Support services near me

The Women’s Aid Domestic Abuse Directory contains details of local, regional and national services specialising in violence against women and girls including domestic abuse, sexual violence, forced marriage and stalking/harassment. 

Getting medical treatment 

As a result of domestic abuse, you may need medical treatment both immediately and in the long term.  

If you have been injured, try to get treatment straight away if possible. You could visit your GP, go to an NHS Walk-in Centre, an Accident and Emergency department or Minor Injuries Unit at your local hospital.  

Even though you may feel scared, you can tell medical staff how the injury occurred and ask them to record it. This may prove to be vital evidence in any future court proceedings. For example, if you make an application for an injunction; if there is a contact or residence dispute over your children; or if your abuser is prosecuted for a criminal offence. With your permission, health service staff and GPs can photograph injuries. When signed and dated, they are can be useful additional evidence tools in court.  If you think you might be pregnant, tell the doctor or nurse as you may need to be examined by a midwife to ensure that the baby has not been affected by the abuse. 

This is what you should expect from a health professional. If your experience is not helpful, you may want to reach out to the manager of that service, or contact Women’s Aid for some further guidance. 

If you are worried about your health and don’t want to go to your GP, you could ring the NHS non-emergency number on 111 (available 24 hours). NHS online provides information on health services and links to other agencies and self-help organisations. 

 For information on mental health issues, read more about domestic abuse and your mental health  

Sexual abuse 

If you have experienced sexual abuse, try to get yourself to a place where you feel safe. See if a friend or someone you trust can be with you and talk to them about what has happened. 

If you need urgent medical care or attention, call 999, ask for an ambulance or go straight to your nearest Accident & Emergency department.   

If a sexual assault has just taken place and you feel able to report the incident to the police or attend a sexual assault referral centre (SARC). You may want to preserve as much evidence as possible. Try not to wash or wash your clothes in order to preserve forensic evidence.
 

SARCs offer a range of support services, including crisis care, examinations, emergency contraception and STI testing. A SARC examination can check for injuries, infections and collect possible evidence. If you decide you want to report an assault to the police, they can arrange for you to speak with a trained officer who can support you with the next steps. You can find your local SARC here. 

If you don’t feel able to talk to a friend or family member, you can contact your nearest  Rape Crisis  organisation or call their free helpline on 0808 802 9999, open 24/7 or webchat service. 

What will happen when I leave?

A refuge is a safe house where women and children who have experienced domestic abuse can live free from fear. The address, and sometimes even the phone numbers, must be kept confidential to ensure the safety of all its residents.  

Any woman who needs to escape from domestic abuse can go into a refuge. It does not matter whether you are married to, living with the abuser, or whether you have children or not. There are also refuges specifically run by and for Black and minoritised women. 

There are refuges throughout the UK, and depending on space and availability, you can choose where you would like to go. Refuges may be unlikely to accept women from their immediate local area for safety reasons. This will depend on the individual refuge and their safety policies. 

Women’s Aid’s No Woman Turned Away Project (NWTA) provides dedicated support to women who face barriers in accessing a refuge space. A team of specialist domestic abuse practitioners receive referrals and work with survivors of domestic abuse, advocating for them when needed, to find safe accommodation. Barriers could include (but are not limited to) having mental health support needs, disabilities, or having a larger family, for example.  

Engaging with the NWTA Project does not always guarantee a refuge space and there can sometimes be limitations to the support provided. If you are needing any further information regarding the NWTA Project, you can ask a support worker via our email service. 

You may be placed in a big refuge with space for many women and children, however others are much smaller.  

Your children are welcome to come with you to refuge. Most refuges with be able to offer you your own room to share with your children, and some will have self-contained family units. 

Many refuges have disabled access, and staff and volunteers who can support you or your children if you have additional needs.  

In the refuge, there may be communal spaces like a living room, TV room, kitchen, playroom which will be shared with other refuge residents. In some refuges, the bathroom may be communal too.  

You’ll cook for yourself and your children. You and the other residents can cook together at meal times or decide whether you take turns and eat separately. You can socialise as much or as little as you choose.  

Refuges have their own codes of conduct for the day-to-day running of the house. These usually cover things like bedtimes for children, incoming calls and rotas for using the washing machine. 

Remember, you’ll be asked to sign a license agreement covering the terms under which you can stay in the refuge. This will include the rent, how long you can stay and any guidelines to keep you safe. These may include rules on the use of alcohol and drugs, confidentiality and who can visit.  

It depends. Some refuges allow boys up to the age of 16, while others cannot take boys over the age of 13 or 14. Very few refuges will accept male children over the age of 16.  Talk to a support worker on our email service for additional support you could access around this. 

You can call the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline (run by the charity Refuge) on 0808 2000 247. The helpline is also available in BSL from Monday to Friday between 10am and 6pm.  

Many refuge organisations also have public contact numbers which you can contact yourself. Visit the Women’s Aid Directory to find your local domestic abuse services.  

Social services, the police or housing department will also be able to help you find a refuge. 

When you are ready to start looking for a refuge, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. Sometimes you can go into refuge on the same day, however, the process could also take some time. Helpline Advisors can discuss with you where in the country you may like to go, however, please be aware refuges can be limited on a particular day, so you might want to consider being flexible around location.  

Once you have been accepted into a refuge, they will provide you with more details and discuss with you how to get there. They will also give you more information on safety at the refuge. If they give you the address and the location of the refuge, it is very important that you keep this information to yourself. Take care not to leave any of the information behind because it will leave you at risk of being traced. 

Refuge FAQs

Not all women will need all of these items, and there may be some items that you need to take that have not been included in this list, but you can use it as a general guide.  If you are planning to leave soon, it’s important to start preparing these items so you are ready to go, but keep them hidden whilst you are still living with the abuser. 

  • Important documents such as identification and birth certificates for you and your children. You can put some copies of documents on a USB stick or a cloud account. If you use a USB stick, make sure this is hidden. If you use a cloud account, make sure only you have access to the passwords.  
  • Passports (including passports for all your children if you have them), visas and work permits 
  • Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements) 
  • Insurance documents 
  • School and medical records, including the telephone numbers of the school and your GP or surgery 
  • Prescribed medication, mobility and/or hearing aids 
  • Money including bank account details, bank logins, credit and debit cards 
  • Child benefit award notices and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to 
  • Driving licence, car registration documents and insurance details 
  • Keys for your house, car and workplace 
  • Contact details of friends and family 
  • Small sentimental items like family photographs, your diary, jewellery 
  • An overnight bag with essential clothing and toiletries for you and your children 
  • Your children’s favourite small toys 
  • Most refuges do not have a large amount of storage space, so you are unlikely to be able to take large items such as furniture with you. 
  • Sadly, pets are usually forbidden. Some refuges can accommodate small animals such as fish, mice or other caged pets – but not cats or dogs. However, some refuge organisations have arrangements with local pet fostering schemes. (Ask the staff for more information or see our useful links on pet fostering) 

Some refuges have a maximum length of stay but usually you will able to stay as long as you need to, this can be for several months. 

When you’re ready to leave, your refuge support worker will usually discuss other housing options with you and support you in finding more permanent accommodation.   

If you choose to leave a refuge but need to access a refuge space again, you can contact the Women’s Aid email service to speak to a support worker, they can discuss your options around this and help you with another refuge search.  

If you were asked to leave the refuge because you broke the terms of licence agreement, you may find it more difficult to access the same refuge again. If this is the case, you can speak with a support worker via our email service to discuss your options.  

When you have left the refuge, you may want to reach out to a local domestic abuse service for outreach support that can be delivered to you within your community.  

You can return home from the refuge at any point. You might decide to return with an injunction or you may want to be re-housed elsewhere. The choice is yours alone, but refuge workers can help you to think about what is best for you.  

They should also be able to tell you how to get advice on joint property and mortgage agreements. Don’t agree to sign any documents relating to the tenancy or ownership of your home until you’ve taken legal advice.  

Some refuges can accommodate small pets such as fish or mice but most can’t take bigger pets like cats and dogs.  

Some have arrangements with local pet fostering schemes. The local authority has a duty to store the ‘property’ of people who go into refuge and some will accept a pet within this definition of ‘property’.  Some charities will foster pets for families fleeing domestic abuse. The Dogs Trust runs the Freedom Project and Cats’ Protection runs Paws Protect. 

Alternatively, you might want to think about making arrangements for a friend or family member to look after your pet whilst you are in a refuge.  

Guide dogs and other assistance animals may be permitted in some refuges which have self-contained units. You can speak to the refuge directly about this.  

You can still speak with a support worker through the Women’s Aid email service or access the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline, whose support workers may be able to suggest other options to you. If you decide not to go into a refuge, Women’s Aid can put you in touch with your local domestic abuse service, which may have access to outreach support or support groups in your area.  

You can still receive personal and legal advice without living in a refuge, but we would never tell you to remain in your home if the situation could be dangerous for you or your children.  

You may be able to access emergency accommodation through your local authority, such as a hostel or bed and breakfast, close to home. You may want to ask friends or family if you can stay with them temporarily, if it is safe to do so.   

However, bear in mind that you might be more accessible to your abuser in these circumstances. 

Private renting could be an option. For more help and information on general housing options you could contact Shelter.  

If you want to stay in your own home, you may want to consider an injunction to protect you and your children – and to keep your abuser away.  

Individual refuge organisations have their own policies, rules, regulations and separate management committees who are accountable for the policy and practice at the refuge.  

If you you’ve been a resident and you want to make a complaint, you can follow the complaints procedure for that particular organisation. The refuge can advise on this process. You don’t have to tell the staff what it’s about.
If you would like to complain to Women’s Aid about a member organisation, you can email membership@womensaid.org.uk for further information. Women’s Aid is a national federation of organisations (members) that provide vital services to women and their children experiencing domestic violence. Our members are all independent organisations registered in their own right. As separate bodies, they all have their own complaints policies and procedures that operate independently of Women’s Aid.   

If you’re living in a refuge and you’re unhappy with either the location or the refuge itself, you should talk to one of the workers.  

If the situation can’t be resolved within the refuge, they may be able to help you move to a different place of safety where hopefully you’ll feel more comfortable.  

Not knowing the whereabouts of your friend or relative is understandably very distressing. However, all refuge services are confidential in order to keep residents safe. Women’s Aid services do not keep records of which refuge a woman goes into. 

This level of confidentiality is for your friend or relative’s safety, and you can rest assured that if she is in a refuge, she is in a safe place away from harm.  

Once in a refuge, your friend or relative will be receiving support and will contact you herself when she feels ready. However, she will not be able to tell you the exact location of the refuge she is staying in.  

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]]> I’ve left and I need support https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/ Thu, 16 Feb 2023 10:35:21 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=20686 I’ve left and I need support On this page: The effects of domestic abuse Starting over after abuse Mental health support after leaving abuse  Helping your child after abuse Counselling and self-care The effects of domestic abuse  Domestic abuse can have a considerable impact on your health and wellbeing – and your children. The immediate physical […]

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I’ve left and I need support

On this page:

The effects of domestic abuse 

Domestic abuse can have a considerable impact on your health and wellbeing – and your children. The immediate physical effects of domestic abuse can include injuries such as bruises, cuts, broken bones, lost teeth and hair. It is also likely to have an effect on your mental health and your self-esteem, that can last for a long time after leaving an abusive partner. Some survivors might develop coping strategies such as using alcohol, drugs or other substances. If you are struggling with this, support is here for you.  

Children might suffer short and long-term health and development complications as a result of witnessing and experiencing abuse. In some cases, this can lead to learning difficulties. 

Starting over after abuse 

When the abuse is over and you have made practical arrangements in relation to housing, money and schools – you may be expecting to feel great, but be patient because this may not happen straight away.  Sometimes, survivors may feel an immediate sense of elation which may suddenly be displaced by feelings of grief and overwhelm. However you respond individually is valid. 

Recovering from the trauma of being abused by someone you once loved and trusted is a long process and it may take months and even years for you and your children to heal.   

For some people, it is also normal to experience a sense of anti-climax. You are likely to experience grief and the range of emotions which go with it, including a deep sense of loss. After all, your trust has been betrayed and your self-esteem and confidence shattered.   

Mental health support after leaving abuse 

Leaving an abusive partner can be a long, tiring and stressful process. The transition to freedom from abuse is often a busy period. Women often find that they don’t have time to process their feelings as they are busy understanding legal processes, arranging housing and securing children’s futures.  

When you are safe and have a secure future ahead of you, many women understandably expect to feel amazing. It’s normal to feel a sense of anti-climax and for a process of grieving to begin when you have more time for space and reflection. The journey to emotional recovery is just beginning and will require patience, support and self-care.  

You’ve gained your freedom but you may feel as though you have lost a lot too. Your trust may have been betrayed, you may have lost your confidence or left material belongings behind, this could have been your home, your job or income, sentimental belongings and pets. 

All grieving processes take time and this is no different. There will be some days when you feel like you are moving one step forwards and other days when you sense you are moving backwards.   

Looking after yourself

You might feel the urge to change your whole lifestyle by joining local organisations, returning to education or looking for a new job – but pace yourself and move at your own speed rather than worrying about what others might expect.  Treat yourself gently and don’t rush the healing process by setting unrealistic goals. 

A big change has taken place and you may feel lonely and isolated at first, coming home to an empty house or flat. There may even be times when an abusive partner or family member seems better than no one at all.  

A perpetrator of abuse might have cut you off from friends and family, but it’s never too late to try to re-establish contact with them or create new support networks – in time, you will build confidence to make new friends.  

Think about the things below as practical ways of looking after yourself:  

  • Take time and space for yourself each day
  • Reward yourself
  • Do something you enjoy and are good at
  • Take regular exercise like swimming, running, dancing or walking
  • Learn a new skill like yoga or meditation
  • Try creative activities like drawing, painting or writing
  • Practice relaxation exercises like breathing exercises
  • Try to eat well and to get enough sleep
  • Contact your local domestic abuse service, they may have access to a support group or specialist domestic abuse counselling. 

Living with someone who is always putting you down, criticising you, controlling you and being abusive or violent towards you will have chipped away at your self-confidence.  

You may find it hard to make decisions if the perpetrator did not allow you to make choices for yourself.  

Managing money is likely to be very difficult if the abuser controlled all the household finances. You might be having to manage on a more limited income – as well as having had to leave behind many of your personal possessions.  

But you have already taken a huge, courageous step in leaving and you must give yourself credit for that. It might help to write a list of all the things you have achieved in your life so you can return to this when you are feeling low.   

You might find it helpful to talk about your experiences with other women who have also been in abusive relationships. You could contact your local domestic abuse service or visit the Survivors’ Forum – a safe, anonymous space for women to share their experiences and support one another. You also can call the Freephone National 24-hour Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) on 0808 2000 247. You can also contact the helpline in BSL, from Monday to Friday between 10am and 6pm. 

While you were with the perpetrator, you may not have been free to make decisions on work, study or how to spend your free time.  

Now, you have the freedom to choose for yourself and your children, but it’s normal to feel scared and overwhelmed when these choices are in your hands. Women’s Aid is here for you. 

When you left the relationship, you may have had to give up your home, your job or moved to a new area for safety. As you settle into your new life, it’s important you think about what you want now. Do you want to go back into work or education? Would you like to retrain or do some voluntary work instead? It’s okay if you don’t feel ready to think about this yet, everything takes time.  

It might be worth seeking advice around benefits. You could contact Turn2Us who can help you assess whether you are eligible for financial support. 

You might find it helpful to look at some of the information and support available for single parents. Single Parents  brings together information, advice and first-hand experiences to help you manage and enjoy life as a single parent, including information on benefits, childcare and balancing work and single parenting.  

Gingerbread is an organisation which can support and advise single parents on a variety of issues. You can call their helpline on 0808 802 0925, or via the NGT Text relay service if you need support in BSL. They also have access to multilingual interpreters. There is also a webchat and a peer support forum.  

The organisation Contact supports parents of disabled children with a variety of issues or concerns, such as financial advice, education, health services and more. Call their helpline on 0808 808 3555 or find advice and information on their FAQs page.   

Helping your children after abuse

Your children will also need time to adjust to the new situation. They will almost certainly have been affected by the abuse they witnessed or experienced directly (see the section on Children and domestic violence for more information on this).  

If you have moved to a different area, they will no doubt have to attend a new school and make new friends. These transitions can trigger huge anxiety and a grieving process linked to leaving behind their home, friends, pets and treasured possessions.  

As the main adult in their lives who they love and trust – your children will look to you to give them the answers and reassurance they need. You may find this responsibility very hard at a time when you are trying to deal with your own emotions. On the other hand, some women view this task as a helpful distraction and even see it as a reason to carry on. Be as honest with your children as you can in a way which is safe and easy for them to understand. Tell them that you love them and reassure them that nothing that has happened is their fault.  

Try to establish a ‘normal’, consistent routine as soon as possible. This will help to show them that you can be relied upon even though their father or step-father has let them down. Listen carefully to your children’s concerns and help them to find other sources of support (e.g. trusted relatives, teachers, youth workers, refuge and domestic violence outreach staff).  

Although your children will feel relieved the abuse has stopped, it is likely they might miss their father or step-father and blame you for the loss as a way of expressing sadness and anger.  

Young Minds provides information and support for young people themselves. The Young Minds parents’ information service provides help for parents concerned about a young person’s mental health and also explore how divorce and separation affects children and young people.  

Resources for your children

Women’s Aid website Love Respect empowers young people to talk about relationship abuse and how to spot red flags. We believe everyone has the right to be safe and happy.  

We would encourage you to get in touch with your local domestic abuse service. Local services often have access to support for children and young people. They may have specialist counselling that your children could access and/or access to support groups. 

The Young Minds parents’ information service provides help for parents concerned about a young person’s mental health. They also have a parents’ helpline, available on 0808 802 5533 from 9.30am – 4pm, Monday to Friday, or a webchat open during the same hours. 

Young Minds provides information and support for young people who may be struggling with their mental health, or worrying about someone else.

Barnardos offer young people’s support groups and counselling. 

Childline provides confidential support for children on 0800 1111 (24hrs) or chat online to a counsellor. 

The Mix are a support service that can connect children/young people to support services around any problems they may be having including domestic abuse. They can be contacted on 0808 808 4994 or via their live chat service (3pm-midnight every day). 

NSPCC work to prevent abuse and rebuild children’s lives. They can be contacted on 0800 800 5000 (24hrs).

Counselling and self-care 

Domestic abuse can impact your mental health. It can lead to mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety, or increase the symptoms. This can affect your mood, sleep, appetite and can make you withdraw from activities you enjoy, decrease your motivation or, in severe cases, make you have suicidal thoughts or self-harm. 

Remember, you are not alone, Women’s Aid is here for you and ready to support you.  

There are lots of way you support yourself through difficult days. Self-care can include exercises or hobbies, letting you take a moment for yourself and give you some time to relax, helping you process what you are experiencing and think about further support. Every woman will have different experiences of abuse, so while you may find some things useful, others may not work for you.  

You may also want to access counselling services after experiencing abuse.   

The NHS mental health services can help you find a local therapy or counselling service or you could speak with your GP for a referral.  

Accessing domestic abuse support services

It can be difficult to reach out to support services, especially if you have a mental health diagnosis, but our support services are here for you.  

For further support please contact the national domestic abuse helpline.

Whoever you reach out to, your experiences of abuse should be validated. It may be hard if you don’t experience this when speaking with friends or family but it’s important to remember that reaching out to someone is a huge step in finding support. 

Abusers often use mental health as a way to exert control and intensify abuse but abuse is never your fault. Only the abuser is responsible for their actions. Some examples might include: 

  • Say you couldn’t cope without him  
  • Label you as “mad”  
  • Not allow you to go anywhere alone because he is your “carer” 
  • Speak for you, saying you don’t understand or get confused
  • Tell you you’re not capable of being a good mum or that you’re not able to look after your children properly
  • Force you to have an abortion, saying you wouldn’t be able to cope
  • Threaten to take your children away 
  • Threaten to tell social services, implying that your children will be taken away
  • Tell your children that you can’t look after them 
  • Deliberately mislead or confuse you 
  • Withhold your medication 
  • Withhold or coerce you into using alcohol or drugs
  • Undermine you when you reach out for support. He may do this by telling authorities like social services or the police that you are ‘mad’ or that they shouldn’t believe what you say  
  • Using gaslighting techniques to further impact on your mental health 

 If you have experienced this and need support, see our information and support page.

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]]> I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/ Thu, 10 Nov 2022 14:37:35 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=20412 I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy On this page: Something doesn’t feel right How to recognise unhealthy behaviour in a relationship Asha’s story Disagreements in relationships are normal but when they become frequent and begin to form a pattern, it might be a sign that something is wrong, and possibly abusive – a word that […]

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I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy

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Disagreements in relationships are normal but when they become frequent and begin to form a pattern, it might be a sign that something is wrong, and possibly abusive – a word that is hard for many people to think about or even say out loud.  

Something doesn’t feel right 

If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t.  

An abuser may say things like ‘I didn’t mean it’, ‘I was having a bad day’, ‘It only happened once’ in order to justify or excuse their hurtful behaviour. This might make you start doubting whether your concerns about your relationship are valid. If you’ve heard any of these before, it could be a sign of an unhealthy or controlling relationship.  

Another sign of an abusive relationship can be if your behaviour has changed because of how your partner treats you or your children. Perpetrators often create justifications for their actions, which they use to place blame on survivors and to take away any responsibility from themselves.  

We’re here to tell you that perpetrators alone are responsible for their actions. We’re here to support you and help you to explore your options, because you deserve a kind, healthy relationship where you don’t feel trapped.   

A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like support, freedom, happiness and consent at the centre.   

You can also join the Survivors’ Forum which is a safe, anonymous space for women (over 18) who have been affected by domestic abuse to share their experiences and support one another. 

We know talking to someone else about your personal life can be hard but getting in touch with us can be your first and most important step. 

When you contact us, we promise we will: 

  • Never judge you or what you say 
  • Always have a fully trained female support worker available 
  • Give you space to explore your options 
  • Support you to make safe choices for you and your children 
  • Keep everything you tell us confidential 

How to recognise unhealthy behaviour in a relationship

Every situation is unique, but there are some common factors in relationships that might mean they are unhealthy and even abusive. Just thinking about these red-flag behaviours is an important first step. You’ve come to the right place to begin this journey.  

Look through the examples below that signal something is “off” in a relationship, in some cases, it could signal abuse. The descriptions might feel a bit overwhelming at first glance and may be painful to acknowledge, but try to read as many as you can because it’s important you know the unhealthy behaviours before they escalate further. If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t.  

Physical abuse is one of the first forms of domestic abuse that people recognise because it’s the most visible. It is often a way for a perpetrator to gain control. It is illegal. Some examples of physical abuse are: 

  • Punching, slapping, hitting, pinching, kicking, scratching or biting 
  • Applying pressure to your neck or holding you down, strangling or choking you
  • Pulling your hair out
  • Spitting at you or near you
  • Using objects as weapons to attack or hurt you 
  • Punching walls or breaking things

Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are: 

  • Screaming and shouting at you 
  • Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you 
  • Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want 
  • Making you doubt your own sanity. This is known as gaslighting. A perpetrator may gaslight you into thinking that you are remembering things wrong or that you are misinterpreting things, later making you believe their version of events is true. This behaviour is often used to manipulate. 
  • Threatening that they will destroy something, hurt you or commit suicide 
  • Threatening to report you to the police, social services or a mental health team if you don’t do what they say 
  • Telling you that they’re sorry, that it isn’t abuse 
  • Telling you that you deserve or cause the abuse 
  • Threatening to kill or harm you and/or your children

Coercive control is an act or pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation, which is used to harm, punish or frighten. Some examples of coercive control are: 

  • Isolating you from your friends and family 
  • Depriving you of basic needs, such as food or care 
  • Monitoring how you spend your time 
  • Tracking what you do online or on your phone 
  • Controlling aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep 
  • Stopping you from accessing support services, such as medical services or support groups 
  • Repeatedly putting you down, saying you are worthless 
  • Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you 

Financial abuse is part of coercive control, it involves a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviours relating to money and finances. The perpetrator uses money to control their partner’s freedom. This can include using credit or debit cards without permission or building up debts in their partner’s name. Economic abuse is a broader term, as it also includes restricting access to essential resources and services, such as food, clothing or transport, and refusing to allow someone to improve their economic status through employment, education or training. Some examples of economic abuse are: 

  • Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret 
  • Taking out debts in your name, sometimes without you knowing  
  • Stopping you from being in work, education or training 
  • Making you do a certain amount of hours at work, not contributing to any bills  
  • Having control over spending, checking receipts, having everything in their name 

If you are experiencing financial abuse, Surviving Economic Abuse can support you. 

Sexual abuse and violence can take place within relationships or between family members and can often be a part of domestic abuse. If you consent to something because you are afraid or you have been pressured into it, it is not consent. Some examples of sexual abuse are: 

  • Rape or sexual assault. This can be any sexual act you did not consent to. It can include forced kissing, touching or penetration. If you have experienced this recently, find advice on getting treatment and support here.  
  • Having sex with you when you are unable to consent, for example if you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol which may affect your ability to consent. 
  • Using force, threats, guilt, manipulation or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts.  
  • Forcing you to have sex with other people or to become a sex worker. 
  • Forcing you to have sex or watch pornography in front of children. 
  • Degrading you during sex, such as calling you names, spitting, biting, punching or hurting you. 

If you are experiencing sexual abuse, Rape Crisis can support you. In an emergency, always call 999.  

Tech abuse is when someone uses technology as a tool to abuse. As our homes become smarter, this type of abuse is becoming more common. Abusers may use smart home devices to monitor and control. This could include connecting to thermostats to change the temperature, turning lights or speakers on and off from an app or watching you on security cameras. It can also include cyberstalking;, when someone repeatedly sends harassing messages. 

Some examples of tech abuse are:  

  • Monitoring your social media  
  • Having access to your phone, email account and/or social media accounts. You have a right to privacy.  
  • Having access to your online banking 
  • Not allowing you to have access to technology, such as a phone, or internet access 
  • Sharing intimate photos of you online. If you have experienced this type of abuse, the Revenge Porn Helpline can support you.  
  • Using cameras or spyware to watch you or listen to your conversations 
  • Using GPS locators or tracking apps on your phone to locate you 
  • Constantly contacting you through text, calls, email and/or social media 
  • Using smart home devices to harass you 

Our support services are here for you. When you reach out to us, our staff can support you to access help, accommodation and ongoing support and signpost you to specialist services, to help you make the first steps for a safe future, free from abuse.

Women’s Aid refuges, our members, are managed independently and provide a range of support and services. Some organisations offer specialist support for trans and non-binary survivors, including refuge space, outreach services or support. 

You can also reach out to specialist services:  

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline run by Galop 

Galop’s helpline is run by LGBT+, for LGBT+ people who have or are experiencing domestic abuse. It’s also for people supporting a survivor of domestic abuse; friends, families and those working with a survivor. It’s free and accessible through phone, webchat and chatbot. 

Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline

Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline provides a safe space for anyone to discuss anything, including sexuality, gender identity, sexual health and emotional well-being. They support people to explore the right options for themselves and aspire to a society where all LGBT+ people are informed and empowered. 

For some communities, ‘honour’ is important and central to social standing and the position of families within the community. There can be severe consequences if perceived dishonour or shame is bought upon a family or community. Some actions that may be considered ‘dishonourable’ or ‘shameful’ are:  

  • Having a relationship with someone outside your community or that your family doesn’t approve of 
  • Separating or getting a divorce 
  • Having sex or getting pregnant before marriage 
  • Doing things that may be considered inappropriate by family or the community, such as dressing in a different way, talking to certain people, and challenging what is expected of you 
  • Using drugs or alcohol 
  • Disagreeing with the religion of your family or community 

Honour-based abuse is a when a crime is committed to protect or defend the ‘honour’ of a family or community. Some examples of honour-based abuse are: 

  • Any form of domestic abuse or sexual violence 
  • Forced marriage or forced abortion 
  • Pressure to move abroad or to visit friends and family abroad 
  • Not being allowed any freedom, including using the phone, internet or having access to your passport 
  • Isolating you from your friends and members of your family 

Although, the concept of ‘honour’ can often be viewed as part of ‘traditional’ or cultural practices, this does not mean that any forms of honour-based abuse or harmful practices are acceptable. Any forms of honour-based abuse or harmful practices are illegal, including forced marriage and female genital mutilation. ‘Crimes of honour’ should be treated as a violation of human rights and not as a religious or cultural practice. There are specialist organisations led by women in the community who have a cultural understanding of the complexities of honour and shame. 

For further support: 

  • Karma Nirvana is a national organisation which provides support for women who are at risk of or who are experiencing honour-based abuse or forced marriage. You can call the Honour-Based Abuse Helpline if you need help or advice for free on 0800 5999 247. 
  • IKWRO provide advice, support, advocacy in Arabic, Kurdish, Turkish, Dari, Pashto, Farsi, and English to women and girls facing forced marriage, child marriage, female genital mutilation, and ‘honour’-based violence. If you need help or advice, please call: 0207 920 6460. 

A forced marriage is where one or both people do not (or in cases of people with reduced capacity, cannot) consent to the marriage as they are pressurised, or abuse is used to force the marriage to take place. It can happen either in the UK or abroad. The pressure used to marry against their will may be physical – for example, threats, physical violence, or sexual violence – or emotional and psychological – for example, making someone feel like they are bringing ‘shame’ on their family. You might not feel ‘forced’ or ‘pressured,’ but you may have a feeling that you could not say no, and that there may have been consequences if you resisted getting married. The threats and pressure may be coming from relatives, friends, or members of a community.   

Forced marriage is different to arranged marriage, where a family member or designated person are involved in choosing a partner. Arranged marriages take place with the consent of both people, while forced marriage is against the will of one or both people.  

It’s important to remember that consenting to marriage because you were afraid or under pressure does not mean that you really consented to it.  

Forced marriage can take place within lots of different communities across the world and in the UK, and is a criminal offence in England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. This includes: 

  • Taking someone overseas to force them to marry, whether the marriage takes place or not 
  • Marrying someone who cannot consent 

If you are worried that you are going to be forced into marriage when you are abroad, contact Karma Nirvana’s helpline on 0800 5999 247. They will be able to give you up-to-date advice. 

If you are trying to stop a forced marriage or need help leaving a marriage you have been forced into, the Forced Marriage Unit can support you. You can also contact the Forced Marriage Helpline for information and options if you are being forced or pressured into sponsoring a spouse visa. They are contactable on fmu@fcdo.gov.uk, Telephone: 020 7008 0151. From overseas: +44 (0)20 7008 0151 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, Out of hours: 020 7008 5000.  The FMU has also produced a Forced marriage survivor’s handbook. 

Accordion ContentFemale genital mutilation (FGM) is a procedure performed on a woman or girl to partially or fully remove her external genitalia, or to damage or change her genitalia for non-medical reasons. It is very painful and can have serious health impacts on women and girls, including constant pain, problems with sex, childbirth and mental health. It can be life-threatening as it is often carried out by a non-professional.  

It is a criminal offence to perform or assist in performing FGM in the UK, or to take a woman or girl abroad for the procedure. It is also illegal to help or pressure a girl to carry out FGM on herself, and to fail to protect a girl from risk of FGM. There are also laws about FGM taking place abroad. You can find more information about FGM on the NHS website. 

IKWRO provide advice, support, advocacy in Arabic, Kurdish, Turkish, Dari, Pashto, Farsi, and English to women and girls facing forced marriage, child marriage, female genital mutilation, and ‘honour’-based violence. If you need help or advice please call: 0207 920 6460. 

If you have a disability or chronic health condition, an abuser may use this as part of the abuse. However, abuse is never your fault. Only the abuser is responsible for their actions. Domestic abuse can happen in any relationship, including those in which someone is a caregiver or assists you with something personal or intimate. If someone takes advantage of the power they have as a caregiver, this could be abuse.  Women’s Aid is here for you and support is available to you.  Some of the ways disabled women experience abuse can include: 

  • Withholding, hiding, destroying or manipulating medical equipment and/or tools, such as a walking stick, cane, hearing aid or wheelchair 
  • Refusing to help with attending important meetings, such as hospital appointments or benefit assessments 
  • Refusing to interpret what people are saying around you, for example if you are Deaf and use sign language  
  • Theft of state benefits or any other financial income 
  • Sexual touching while assisting you with personal care, such as dressing or bathing 
  • Demanding sex in exchange for caregiving 
  • Forced marriage or repeated sexual violence against women who cannot consent due to disability 
  • Prevention of access to medication or pain relief  
  • Overmedicating or under medicating, or changing a medication without telling you 
  • Doing things to exacerbate or take advantage of a disability or health condition, such as smoking indoors, leaving unreachable windows open in winter, or refusing to allow you to go to the toilet  
  • Refusing to assist you with caregiving responsibilities, including providing adequate meals and nutrition, dressing, bathing, access to transport and cleaning duties 
  • Isolating you from friends, family, support workers and support groups 
  • Saying that you are ugly or useless because of your disability, or calling you stupid because you don’t understand 

The Learning Disability Helpline, run by Mencap, provides free help and advice for people with a learning disability, their family and carers. They are not a domestic abuse service but they can help give advice about lots of topics, including social care, benefits, housing and bullying. Their phone number is 0808 808 1111, or you can email them at helpline@mencap.org.uk.  

Respond supports people with learning disabilities and autism who have experienced trauma in their lives. You can get in touch with them here. 

The Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB) works to support blind people living in the UK. If you are blind or have vision loss, you may find it useful to call their helpline on 0303 123 9999, or email helpline@rnib.org.uk. They have access to interpreters. 

Scope is a national charity which supports and advocates for disabled people and their families. Their free helpline is available if you need free, impartial advice on a wide range of topics, including accessible housing, benefits and work. The phone number is 0808 800 3333, or email helpline@scope.org.uk. You can call using a BSL interpreter or multilingual interpreter.  

SignHealth provides domestic abuse support and advocacy to Deaf people across the UK. You can find videos in BSL relating to domestic abuse on their website. You can contact SignHealth by texting 07800 003421, or by emailing da@signhealth.co.uk.  

Stay Safe East 
Stay Safe East is run by and for disabled people. They provide advocacy and support services to survivors of domestic abuse, sexual violence, hate crime, harassment and other forms of abuse.
Contact: 07865 340 122 (Tel/SMS) enquiries@staysafe-east.org.uk

Deaf Blind UK can provide information and advice line for people who have combined sight and hearing loss, their carers and professionals. The helpline is able to provide advice and information on equipment, communication methods and local services. They are available on 0800 132 320 (voice), 0790 3572 885 (text).  

Disability Rights UK are led by, run by, and working for disabled people. They work with disabled people’s organisations and government across the UK to influence regional and national change for better rights, benefits, quality of life and economic opportunities for disabled people.   

The emergency SMS service lets deaf, hard of hearing and speech-impaired people in the UK send an SMS text message to the UK 999 service where it will be passed to the police, ambulance, fire rescue, or coastguard. This is also useful for a woman experiencing domestic violence but unable to make a phone call. Simply by sending an SMS message to 999 you can call for help and the emergency services will be able to reply to you. You will need to register your mobile phone before using the emergency SMS service. 

999 BSL allows deaf people to make emergency calls using an app or website, connecting callers with a BSL interpreter. It is free to use and operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The new sign language-based service does not require registration, meaning callers can use it as long as the app or webpage is open. To make a call with 999 BSL, users need to open the app or webpage, then press a red button that will connect them to an interpreter. 

Asha’s story:

At first, I was in denial and didn’t want to think about the fact I was being abused – but people were looking out for me all along and never gave up on me. 

For instance, my previous employer really cared about me and kept reaching out even though I kept making excuses for the abuse. At the time, I wasn’t in the right state of mind to fully accept the help or acknowledge what was happening to me. I was pushing away reality as a way of coping and defending myself against the pain and trauma. 

Then one day someone left me alone in an office with the contact details for Women’s Aid and encouraged me to get in touch. It was a relief to finally start accessing support but also very painful because I was in the process of finally acknowledging that I was being abused. I felt a huge sense of shame and guilt. 

I was at the start of a long journey, beginning to acknowledge that I was being treated badly in my relationship. For the first time, I began to think about the word “abuse” internally, but could still not say it out loud.  

During that period, I left my relationship for a second time but soon went back. There was nothing anyone could do at the time to get me out – but I still felt their support and valued it deeply. 

One friend tried to call out my ex on some of his behaviour, but he didn’t even need to react because I was soon jumping to his defence while he just deflected it all back on her, saying she was bad news. But still she supported me, gently encouraging me to focus on how I felt about myself irrespective of the relationship. That was the start of coming back to myself and gaining consciousness. It was massive.  

My ex always found ways of isolating me so my friend and I didn’t have much time together but when she did get me alone, she would simply ask: “How are you feeling? How are you treating yourself?”. 

She had an anti-anxiety book and we did one of the exercises together which involved her writing down some of my favourite experiences of the year and helping me to vocalise what they meant; spelling out to me the positives that were evidenced by these experiences. I carried that note around with me for a long time. My friend still feels she did not do enough to help me but this alone was so fundamentally important. 

The truth is I was just not ready to leave for a long time. It takes so much to leave and it took a long time after my first contact with Women’s Aid and a year after writing that note with my friend that I finally broke free. 

In the end my body took over and decided for me. I became ill and couldn’t work due to surgery. I was trying to recover at home and the truth suddenly came to me as a simple, unemotional fact: “If nothing about my situation changes, my body will give up and I will die.” I could feel myself slipping away. My body had helped me to survive for a long time but now it was just not bothering to keep going.  

It was a purely physical feeling, there was no rational thinking or emotion involved. My body was trying to escape, to leave the situation by blacking out or just sleeping. At the same time it was telling me something much more loudly than in the past because I had not been listening. My brain was numb, so my body was trying to talk to me instead. 

I had been forced to turn off my feelings for so long because if you allow yourself to feel too much sadness or desperation, you can’t survive. And so with the wisdom of my body and the support of my friends on my side, I left during the pandemic, having only just recovered from the coronavirus and my surgery. 

Leaving for good was the hardest thing I have ever done. However, I knew as I walked out the door that this time it was finally over. 

Now that I am free from abuse there are sometimes difficult feelings which overwhelm me because I am finally in a safe place to acknowledge them. It’s hard to cope when that happens but with the right support I can now work through those emotions and finally let them go. And as I go through this process, those moments occur less and less. 

The journey to acknowledging abuse is a long and personal one (and there will be many setbacks) but hopefully stories like mine will help other women to realise that – with one step at a time – it is possible to reach a place of peace and safety. 

Am I experiencing domestic abuse?

Take the quiz here.

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]]> I think I’m trapped with them https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-feel-trapped/ Thu, 10 Nov 2022 14:22:24 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=20483 I think I’m trapped with them   On this page: Self care How can I keep my children safe? What happens when I reach out for help?   Self care  Remember, you are not alone. Women’s Aid is here for you and ready to support you, and there are lots of things you can do to help support […]

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I think I’m trapped with them

 

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Self care 

Remember, you are not alone. Women’s Aid is here for you and ready to support you, and there are lots of things you can do to help support yourself through difficult days. 

These tips offer some useful information, tools and exercises to let you take a moment for yourself and give you some time to relax, help you process what you are experiencing and think about further support you may need. Every woman will have different experiences of abuse, so some of these tools may be useful and others may not be useful at all. You may find it helpful to pick a couple of exercises that feel natural for you and come back to them to practice, it may take a few goes for you to feel the benefit of them.   

  • If you are able to, take time and space for yourself each day: This could be something as small as getting up a few minutes earlier so that you have time that is completely yours at the start of the day.   
  • Treat yourself gently: Despite what you may have been led to believe, you are worthy of being loved. You deserve to feel happy and safe. Always be kind to yourself.   
  • Take regular exercise: If you can take time out of your day, regular exercise will give you time for yourself and help you build confidence. Try something you enjoy like swimming, dancing, walking or climbing.   
  • Learn a new skill or do something creative: Creative skills will give your mind a break and bring some calm into your day. You could try yoga, meditation, drawing or writing.   
  • Practice relaxation exercises: Simple breathing exercises like breathing in fully for five seconds, holding briefly and breathing out gently for five seconds will help you release tension from your body.    

If these don’t feel useful to you, you could try some of the advice from the following resources:   

  • Women’s Aid Survivors’ Forum, a safe, anonymous space for women (over 18) who have been affected by domestic abuse to share their experiences and support one another. 
  • Women’s Aid Deserve To Be Heard campaign. Deserve To Be Heard highlights the experiences of survivors of domestic abuse and the effects abuse can have on mental health. Reading about the experiences of others can help you to feel less alone.   
  • The Women and Girls Network’s Self-Help Resource Guide. This guide includes information on identifying ways to cope that work for you, creating support and self-care tools and tips.   
  • Chayn’s resources. Chayn’s resources have been created by survivors and experts and are available in multiple languages and formats. This includes Bloom, a private, supportive space with courses written and checked by survivors, allies, mental health support workers and therapists from around the world. 

How can I keep my children safe?

As a mum living in an abusive relationship, you’ve probably been trying to shield your children from abuse as much as possible. A high proportion of children living with domestic abuse are themselves being abused by the same abuser. But research has shown that talking to children about what’s happening can help them to feel less worried, confused and angry. Talking to your children about abuse is not an easy task and if you have any concerns or worries, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us. We are alongside you every step of the way. 

It's good to talk

If your child, or a child you know, tells you that they have been abused your immediate response is very important. 

  • Listen carefully and let your child tell you what happened in their own time.
  • Reassure your child that they are not to blame for what happened (or is happening). 
  • Let your child know they are very brave to tell you about it.
  • Show your child that you are concerned for them.
  • Try to stay calm and not let your child see your shock. 
  • Do talk to your children – and really listen to them. Most children will appreciate an opportunity to acknowledge that abuse has been happening and talk to you about how they are feeling. In the early stages of starting a conversation, they might find it easier to draw their feelings rather than name them in words. Remember, your children will naturally trust you. Try not to break that trust by directly lying to them.   
  • Try to be honest about the situation in an age-appropriate manner. Take care not to frighten your children but reassure them that what has happened is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour.  
  • Explain to them that abuse is wrong and that it does not solve problems. It can help your children to form better relationships in future if you model the boundaries for them now.  
  • Keep the conversation going. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings and wishes for the future through drawing, talking and writing. Your child’s teacher or social worker may be able to help you think about some appropriate activities.   
  • Don’t rush things. Sometimes children need to wait until they feel safe and are no longer in the violent environment before they start to talk about their feelings.  
  • Encourage your children to talk about their wishes and feelings. You could suggest drawing or writing about what is happening and how you both feel about it. Sometimes children will wait until they feel safe and are no longer in the violent environment before they start to talk about their feelings.  
  • Tell them where to get more information.  Services like The Mix or Barnardos can support younger children. You could suggest that your children look at the Women’s Aid website for children and young people, Love Respect is Women’s Aid’s dedicated website for young people ages 14+.  
  • Teach them how to get emergency help. Show them how to dial 999 but make sure they are aware that they aren’t responsible for protecting you if you are being attacked. You should also teach them the Silent Solution, where a caller can press 55 to tell the 999 operator that they are in an emergency and can’t speak out loud. They can also contact 999 in BSL for free by visiting the website or downloading the app.  
  • Praise them.  Help to boost their self-esteem by regularly giving them lots of praise, attention and affection.  
  • Ask for help. Show your children that asking for help is a good thing and try to model this by reaching out yourself so they can see that there is no shame in seeking support.  

No. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse.  

You are never to blame for someone else’s abuse. Seeking help is a big step and a positive step to take as a parent.  

We recognise that this is a difficult question to ask and applaud you for taking the first steps to consider the answers. If you’ve been struggling in an unhealthy relationship, you’ve probably been doing all you can to shield your children from the effects of it – and perhaps hoping they haven’t noticed what’s been going on.  

Unfortunately, we know that in most families where domestic abuse is happening, children will be fully aware of it – often hearing and/or seeing a great deal. They are dependent on the adults around them to keep them safe and if they don’t feel secure in their own homes, this can have negative physical and emotional effects which can continue into adulthood.  

The impact of abuse on children has been recognised in recent legislation, with the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognising children affected by domestic abuse as victims in their own rights. This includes children who see, hear or experience the effects of the abuse and are related to the perpetrator or victim. 

At Women’s Aid, we know it can be hard to protect your children, and we are here to support you without blame or shame. You are not responsible for the abuse.  

We’re here to support you by providing you with as much information as possible about the ways your children might be impacted. The better informed you are, the better you will be able to find ways to support them.  

We collaborate with experts to learn effective ways of helping children process trauma and begin recovery, offering emotional and practical support through our specialist services. 

  • They may be in the same room and get caught in the middle of an incident, sometimes in an effort to make the violence stop.  
  • They may be in another room but still be able to hear the abuse or see physical injuries following an incident of violence.  
  • They may be forced to take part in abusing the victim. 
  • Age, race, disability, sex, culture, stages of development and individual personality can all have an effect on a child’s responses.  
  • Most children will be affected in some way by tension when witnessing arguments, distressing behaviour or assaults – even if they do not always show this.  
  • Children may feel that they are to blame, or – like you – they may feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless, or confused. They may have feelings of love and hate, both towards the abuser and the non-abusing parent.

Children often feel guilty, believing the abuse is somehow their fault and thinking they should be able to stop it in some way. These feelings can impact school attendance and achievement because some children become frightened of what might happen if they leave the house and so attempt to stay at home to protect their mother. Anxiety can also lead to disturbed sleep patterns and a lack of concentration which can affect schoolwork.  

Abuse may also interfere with children’s social relationships because they feel unable to invite their friends round (or may be prevented from doing so by the abuser) out of shame, fear or concern about what they might see.  

You might recognise some behaviours your children are demonstrating from this checklist below:  

    • They may become anxious or depressed  
    • They may have difficulty sleeping  
    • They may have nightmares or flashbacks  
    • They may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches  
    • They may start to wet their bed  
    • They may have temper tantrums  
    • They may behave as though they are much younger than they are  
    • They may have problems at school or may start truanting  
    • They may become aggressive  
    • They may internalise their distress and withdraw from other people  
    • They may have a lowered sense of self-worth  
    • Older children may start to use alcohol or drugs
    • They may begin to self-harm by taking overdoses or cutting themselves  
    • They may develop an eating disorder 

When experiencing abuse themselves, children may become aggressive or abusive towards you or others in the family. This can be temporary and it’s usually a sign they are struggling to process abuse.  

They may find it useful to get support: 

The Mix is a support service for young people, providing support for under 25s for anything from mental health to homelessness. 

YoungMinds is a charity fighting for children and young people’s mental health. They also run the Young Mind’s Parent helpline on 0808 802 5544.You can also contact them via their webchat, Typetalk or Text Direct. Multilingual interpreters are available. 

However, if the aggression is ongoing and support is not helping, you may need to do something to protect yourself and other children in the family – particularly if your child is a teenager or older. If your child is abusive towards you or your family, you should not feel guilty about taking steps to protect yourself and your family. A severely aggressive or abusive child can have a negative effect on the other children in the family and needs expert help themselves.  

You may decide to contact social services. If your child is over 16, you have the right to evict them from your home and it is social services’ responsibility to carry out a needs assessment under the Children Act 1989.  

If social services can’t help, try to get this in writing. You can also contact the Children’s Legal Centre  or email info@coramclc.org.uk. 

Family Rights Group may also be able to help. They advise parents, grandparents, relatives and friends about their rights and options when social workers or courts make decisions about their children’s welfare. They offer advice, advocacy and campaigns for families whose children are involved with or require social services care. They also provide helpful advice sheets on all aspects of dealing with social services. They are available on 0808 801 0366. 

Family Lives provide support to parents under stress, can make local referrals, and have a forum for parents. They are contactable on 0808 800 2222 or on their live chat available. 

If your child is at risk of further abuse (for example, if you are still living with the abuser, or if your children have regular contact with them) then there are steps you can take to protect them from further harm.  

You can seek information and support from Women’s Aid by speaking to a support worker through our Live Chat service.  

You may want to talk to your local domestic abuse service, who may have specialist support your children can access. If social services are involved, your local domestic abuse service may be able to give you some support or advocacy with the social worker. You could also call the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) on 0808 2000 247 to help you decide what you should do next. The Helpline has access to multilingual interpreters and can also be accessed via the BT Type Talk Service. The BSL helpline service is open from 10am to 6pm, Monday to Friday.  

Remember: Social workers will not take your children away if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.  

The aims of children’s social services is to safeguard and promote the welfare of children in need in their area. They aim to promote the upbringing of children by their families by providing a range and level of services appropriate to those children’s needs. The services may be provided to the particular child in need or any member of the family if it is with a view to safeguarding and promoting the child’s welfare. 

Legal processes and going to court can be daunting but there are rules that need to be followed in domestic abuse cases involving children. 

Before going to court, you might want to seek legal advice.  

Rights of Women is an organisation which provides free legal advice on domestic violence and abuse; finances and property; relationship breakdown and arrangements for children. They have various helplines where you can get free advice on topics such as family law and criminal law. Some of the helplines have access to multilingual interpreters and you can also get in touch using the NGT Lite Text Relay app. They also have lots of useful information on their website, including:  

Coram Children’s Legal Centre’s Child Law Advice Service also provides legal advice and information on child and family issues. They have a helpline which offers advice on 0300 330 5480. If English isn’t your first language, they also have access to multilingual interpreters via Language Line. 

 

Prohibited Steps Orders  

A Prohibited Steps Order is a court order which prohibits the other parent from doing a certain action or exercising some of their parental rights. For example, you might want to look into obtaining a Prohibited Steps Order if your perpetrator has made threats to remove your child from your care or take them out of the country against your will.  

You may want to seek some legal advice for guidance around Prohibited Steps Orders. Your local domestic abuse service may have legal advice or be able to help you access this. You could also reach out to DV Assist for support. 

  

Moving abroad and the Hague Convention 

You may have moved abroad with your abusive partner and children, and are now hoping to return to the UK or you may have moved to the UK with your partner and children and are considering returning to your home country. This is a complex area of law and we would strongly urge you to seek legal advice if possible.  

Whether you can move abroad will depend on where your child is ‘habitually resident’. If your partner wants your child to stay where they are habitually resident and has parental responsibility, you may need to apply through court for permission to allow the child to leave the country. If your partner gives permission for you to return to the UK/your home country with your child, we would advise you to get this in writing officially through a solicitor.  

If you decide to leave with your child without your partner’s permission, you may be required to return your child to their habitually resident country, and you risk getting taken to court for child abduction. This is due to laws under the Hague Convention; a treaty designed to secure the return of any children who have been removed from the country without the other parent’s permission. Child Law Advice have further useful information about child abduction and the Hague Convention. 

If it happens that you are unable to leave with your child and are ‘stuck’ in the UK or another country, there is still support you can access. Global Arrk are a charity who support parents who have moved abroad and cannot return with their children. They have information, support and may know of International Lawyers they can recommend. 

What happens when I reach out for help? 

We know talking to someone else about your personal life can be hard and thinking about your future can be overwhelming, but getting in touch with someone can be your first and most important step.

You can get in touch with a fully trained advisor through the National Domestic Abuse helpline.

If you think you might be in danger, call the police immediately on 999 or 999BSL. 

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]]> I need ongoing support https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-need-ongoing-support/ Tue, 08 Nov 2022 10:39:49 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=20782 I need ongoing support On this page: Creating a safe financial future  Legal help Clare’s Law Creating a safe financial future  Money is often used as part of abuse. If you are experiencing financial or economic abuse, the following organisations can support you:  Surviving Economic Abuse is the only UK charity dedicated to raising awareness of […]

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I need ongoing support

On this page:

Creating a safe financial future 

Money is often used as part of abuse. If you are experiencing financial or economic abuse, the following organisations can support you: 

  • Surviving Economic Abuse is the only UK charity dedicated to raising awareness of economic abuse and transforming responses to it. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse (run in partnership by Surviving Economic Abuse and Money Advice Plus) is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845.
  • Turn2Us is a national charity providing practical help to people who are struggling financially. Their Benefits Calculator can tell you which means-tested benefits you may be entitled to, including tax credits. Their Grants Search can help you look for funds that might be able to give you a grant or other types of help. Support is available through their helpline.
  • Your bank may be able to support you. Many banks have domestic abuse policies set up to help. You can get in touch with your bank’s support team to see how they can help you take steps to protect your money. 

If you have experienced financial abuse, and your perpetrator used finances as a form of control, you may not have experience managing money as it’s not been in your hands before. There are huge changes going on in your life, you’ve got a new financial set up and it will take time to understand how to manage it. You may feel overwhelmed; maybe you’ve recently given up your job for safety or you could be accessing benefits for the first time. If you’re living away from the abuse for the first time, you may have less household income or you might have access to your own money for the first time.  

It’s okay if you’re feeling confused. Looking for support is an important first step.   

You are now in control of your money and what you do with it. Whether your income is from a salary, state benefits or child maintenance, you’ll need to know what’s coming in, what’s going out and how to manage this. We’re here to help you do this.   

Please be aware, the benefits system and money support can be very complicated, personal and changes regularly, so the information on this page is for general guidance only. To be sure that you are getting your full entitlements, you should go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau or other advice agency such as Turn2Us.  

Keeping your banking safe

Once you have left the relationship and you are in a safe place, it’s a good time to think about your financial set-up. This can sound daunting but there a few simple things you can do to make sure you have safe access to your money.  

  • Do you have a joint bank account with your perpetrator?  It will be safer to avoid using this (and any joint credit cards) until you can get financial advice from your bank. This is because the person who you share the account with will be able to track card activity or withdrawals from cash machines. This could make you unsafe. If you have regular payments going into this account, such as your salary, tax credits or child benefit, you will need to change these. When you’ve left and you are safe, speak with any companies paying into this account as soon as you can. You will need this money to be paid into your own account. 
  • Do you have your own bank account?  If you have a bank account in your own name, it’s important that you are the only one who has access to this when you have left.  If you use online banking, make sure you change your passwords so your perpetrator cannot access your accounts. Most banks will let you know when changes are made, you will be able to alert your bank if a change is made by someone else. You should also make sure your bank statements are addressed to you; no one else needs to see your bank statements, they contain your personal information. You could consider going paperless so physical statements will not be sent out to you.
  • Do you need a bank account of your own?  If you only have a joint account with your perpetrator or no bank account of your own, you might want to set up your own bank account. To set up a new bank account, you will need to have identification, like a driving license or passport, with you. It may be safer to use a new bank to avoid the possibility of any confusion or inadvertent leak of information by the bank. Your bank will be able to give you information on the type of account suitable for you.  

Remember, it’s always useful to try to save a small amount of money for emergencies if you can.  

Being a single parent for the first time can be especially tricky to navigate. The voluntary organisation Single Parents UK  can support you, giving you advice on balancing work, parenting and education.  

If you have children, it’s likely you will need to think about childcare arrangements and the cost of this. Childcare could be needed full time, after school or a mix of both, but you don’t have to pay for this alone. You can get financial support through the government’s child maintenance system. It’s a free service which provides impartial information and support. They help separated parents make decisions about their child maintenance arrangements and ensure you are paid everything you are entitled to. You may also be able to get some help with childcare costs if you use a registered childminder, nursery or other childcare scheme run by an approved provider, and are claiming working tax credit. The government’s tax credits website can help you with this.   

If you feel safe doing so, it’s a good idea to tell your employer what is happening and the changes going on in your life. This is both for your safety, in case your perpetrator tries to contact you at work, and so your employer can support you. Your employer should have a domestic abuse policy ready, which could entitle you to time off or additional support.  

When you’ve left the abuse and are safe, it’s important you contact HM Revenue and Customs and tell them of your changed circumstances as you may be eligible for tax allowances or credits.  

If you’re thinking about going back to work, it’s a good idea to consider what kind of work and how many hours you would like to do, particularly if you have children. You won’t always be better off financially if you get a job, though that may not be your only consideration. 

Even if you’re working, there are various types of benefits that you may be entitled to.   

Different types of benefits:   

  • Contributory benefits: These are based on previous National Insurance contributions and include non-means tested benefits, such as Job Seekers Allowance, which replace earnings; for example, when you are unable to work because of a disability.
  • Non-contributory benefits: These are paid to people who meet certain criteria and who have been living in the UK for a specific period of time. They include Child Benefit and Disability Living Allowance.  
  • Means tested benefits: These are based on your income and your savings. They include Income Support and, in some cases, Job Seekers Allowance. These are not sufficient to live on long-term, but many women who have left abuse find themselves dependent on these for a while. It’s likely these will be essential in your recovery from abuse.  

Citizens’ Advice Bureau give people the knowledge and confidence they need to find their way forward – whoever they are, and whatever their problem. The national charity and network of local charities offer confidential advice online, over the phone, and in person, for free. 

Turn2us is a national charity providing practical help to people who are struggling financially. Their benefits calculator can help you to calculate what you may be entitled to. 

For full information about all state benefits, see the Department for Work and Pensions website, which gives information on all state benefits, alphabetically, and provides links to the website for Job Centre Plus when appropriate. 

Many women who have experienced financial abuse are left with debt but there are steps to help relieve both debt and the associated stress. Legally, if a debt, loan or credit agreement is in your name, you are responsible for paying it. If any are in joint names, you may also still have a responsibility for outstanding debt, regardless of who spent it. However, the companies involved may be able to support you if you can contact them, explaining your situation. Some will have specialist abuse teams. They may be able to make arrangements to pay the money as you can afford it.   

Different debts are treated in different ways and there is lots of advice on how to manage them.   

  • The National Debtline offer expert advice online via their webchat and over the phone on 0808 808 4000.
  • Citizens Advice Bureau offer debt and money advice and may be able to negotiate with companies on payments on your behalf.
  • The Financial Support Line on 0808 196 8845 is run by Surviving Economic Abuse and Money Advice Plus. They may be able to advise you on issues relating to debt. 

It is better not to contact an advert for debt advice as they will often charge or take a percentage of repayments, which could cost you more overall.   

If you have been left with arrears of rent or mortgage, your home could be at risk. If you had a joint tenancy with your abusive partner, both of you are legally liable for the arrears. If the tenancy was with a council or housing association, they may accept that – because of the abuse – you were unable to pay the rent at the time. 

If you own a home or have joint savings with your perpetrator, you will need to decide how these are divided. If you were married, this can be done with the proceedings for legal separation or divorce. It will be useful to speak with a solicitor. Solicitors are experts in the law and how it affects you. They will be able to tell you all your rights, negotiate on your behalf so you don’t have to have contact with your perpetrator and keep your personal information confidential as all correspondence will go through them. 

You can find a suitable solicitor through:   

  • The Law Society: the independent professional body for solicitors in England and Wales.
  • Your local Citizens Advice Bureau: the national charity giving confidential advice online, over the phone and in person, for free. Your local Citizens Advice Bureau may have access to BSL and multilingual interpreters. 
  • Your local domestic abuse service: they may have access to legal advice or know of solicitors in the area who have an understanding of domestic abuse.  

If you are claiming welfare benefits, are on a low income or have little or no savings, you may be able to apply for public funding to pay your legal costs.  You may be eligible to get free and confidential advice from Civil Legal Advice (CLA) as part of Legal Aid if you’re in England or Wales. They can be contacted on 0345 345 4345 or text ‘Legal Aid’ to 80010 for a call back. If you need an evidentiary letter for legal aid, your local domestic abuse service should be able to provide this. 

Legal help

Getting a restraining order or injunction 

If you are frightened of your current or former partner, you have a right to be protected under the law.   

There are various ways that the law can help you. This can feel overwhelming but there are often processes to help you deal with this.    

As a survivor of abuse, you have rights under the criminal law. Being assaulted by someone you know or live with is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger, and often more dangerous. 

As there is someone perpetrating abuse against you, you can apply for a civil court order. A court order can stop a perpetrator from harassing or hurting you by telling them to keep out of your home, or away from where you live.  

Legal services and the law can also help to protect children by giving you emergency or temporary accommodation for your safety. You can apply to the Family Courts for an order specifying where and with whom the children should live and regulating contact with the other parent. A Family Court deals with legal issues which have come from family relations. They deal with cases relating to the upbringing of children, divorce and associated legal issues at the end of a relationship and support for children after relationship breakdown.   

Domestic abuse is dealt with both under the criminal law and the civil law. The two systems are separate and are administered by separate courts. 

  • The civil law is mainly aimed at protection (or in some cases compensation). A survivor of domestic abuse can make an application for an injunction (a court order) either to the Family Proceedings Court or the County Court. This is usually done through a solicitor. Other family proceedings, such as child contact or divorce, also take place in the County Court.
  • The criminal law is primarily aimed at punishing the offender, the person who has committed the abuse. The police and the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) initiate the process. Criminal cases are heard in either the Magistrates’ Court or the Crown Court depending on how severe the charge is.  

Legal support services 

If you have a legal issue, you should seek proper legal advice. These organisations can support you:  

Rights of Women run a Legal Advice Lines for women by women. Their advice lines cover family law, criminal law, immigration and asylum law and they have a specific line for women in London. Some lines have access to multilingual interpreters, and you can also get in touch using the NGT Lite Text Relay App.  

Domestic Violence Assist are the UK’s only registered charity arranging Non-Molestation Orders, Prohibited Steps Orders & Occupation Orders. Call their freephone number on 0800 195 8699 or email support@dvassist.org.uk

Civil Legal Advice can help you find out if you’re eligible for Legal Aid at the government website.  

Your local domestic abuse service may also be able to support you in finding local legal support and in ongoing emotional and practical support and may be able to refer you to local solicitors experienced in domestic abuse. 

National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) helps anyone to apply for an injunction within 24 hours of first contact (in most circumstances). Call freephone 0800 970 2070.  

Southall Black Sisters provide advice and information on domestic violence, racial harassment, welfare and immigration, primarily for Asian, African and African-Caribbean women. Casework is primarily undertaken in London Borough of Ealing, but deals with enquiries on a national basis.   

What do I need to know about injunctions and how do I get one?

An injunction is a court order that requires someone to do or not to do something. If you are worried about your immediate or ongoing safety, you can apply for one to help you gain protection. It’s important to get legal advice and consider all your options before going ahead with legal action. 

When considering an injunction, there are two main types available under Part 4 of the Family Law Act 1996: a non-molestation order and an occupation order. Each have different aims.  

  • A non-molestation order is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner, or other family member, from using or threatening violence against you or your child, intimidating, harassing or pestering you, in order to ensure the health, safety and wellbeing of yourself and your children. If someone breaks the terms of their non-molestation order, known as a breach, it’s a criminal offence. You can report this to the police to take your abuser back to the criminal court, or start civil proceedings by applying to the court that made the order (usually the family or civil court).
      
  • An occupation order regulates who can live in the family home, and can also restrict a perpetrator from entering the surrounding area. If you do not feel safe continuing to live with your partner, or if you have left home because of the abuse but want to return and exclude the perpetrator, you may want to apply for an occupation order. You can apply for an occupation order if you own or rent the home and it is or was to be shared with your partner, family member or parent of your child; you don’t own or rent the home but you’re married to or in a civil partnership with the owner and you’re living in the home; or if your former partner is the owner or tenant and it was or was intended to be a shared home. The court will apply a “balance of harm” test when deciding whether to make the order. This will determine who will suffer the most if an order is not made. If you are applying for an occupation order and do not have a legal entitlement to occupy the property, the court must apply the “balance of harm” test.  When making an occupation order, the court may make other related orders imposing obligations on you or your abuser. These could include repair and maintenance of the home, or payment of rent or mortgage.

To apply for an order, you must be an “associated person”.  

This means you and your partner or ex-partner must be related or associated with each other in one of the following ways:  

  • Are or were married or engaged to be married.  
  • Are or were in a civil partnership or had agreed to form a civil partnership.  
  • Are or were living together (this includes same-sex and opposite-sex couples). 
  • Live or have lived in the same household, for example as a flat share (but not as a tenant, border, lodger or employee). 
  • Are relatives, including: parents, children, grandparents, grandchildren, siblings, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews or first cousins (whether by blood, marriage, civil partnership or cohabitation).  
  • Have a child together. 
  • Have or had parental responsibility for the same child. 
  • Are parties to the same family proceedings for the same child. 
  • Are or were in an intimate personal relationship of significant duration e.g. six months, but they can be renewed or may be made “until further order”. Non-molestation orders can be extended but occupation orders can only be extended beyond 12 months if you have a legal right to stay in the home, for example if you are the owner or co-owner, tenant or joint tenant, or because you are or have been married to the owner/tenant.  

When you have an injunction, you may have a power of arrest attached, and you can also have powers of arrest attached to an occupation order. These powers come into effect if your abuser breaks the order.

Understanding how to get legal support and the legal process for getting an injunction   

You can apply for an injunction yourself but you may find it helpful to have legal advice. It is best to find a solicitor who has experience with domestic abuse cases as they are likely to understand all the issues.   

How can I find a solicitor?   

  • Your local domestic abuse service may have access to legal advice, or be able to refer you to a solicitor who has experience of domestic violence issues.  
  • You could also contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence. They are a charity which provides a free, fast emergency injunction service to survivors of domestic violence. You can call them for free on 0800 970 2070 for advice on getting an injunction.
  • DV Assist can support you finding a solicitor, applying for legal aid, applying for court orders and in arranging non-molestation orders and occupation orders.
  • The Law Society or the local Citizens Advice Bureau will be able to give you a list of solicitors who can help with injunctions.  

If you are claiming welfare benefits, are on a low income or have little to no savings, you may be eligible for public funding to pay your legal costs. It’s likely that this will be through Civil Legal Advice funding or legal aid. Your partner’s income is not taken into account if you are taking legal action against him.  

What happens in court?   

Applications for injunctions under the Family Law Act are held in the Family Court. The application will be in a closed court, known as “in chambers”. The only people allowed in are people directly related to your case.  

This means that you will be able to bring your solicitor or other legal representative in, but you won’t usually be able to take in a friend or supporter, although they can stay in a waiting room. As it’s a closed court, no members of the public will be there so the hearing will be private. 

If you think that the perpetrator could hassle you while you are waiting, tell your solicitor. They can ask the court officers to keep them away from you. They should also be able to provide separate waiting areas.  

You can ask for your address to be kept secret and not read out in court so that the perpetrator does not know where you are staying.  

How long does it take to get an injunction?  

It can take one to two weeks to schedule the final hearing and get an injunction.   

However, if you are in immediate danger, an application can be made to the court on the same day without your abuser being there. This is called a “without notice” or an ‘Ex-parte’ application.  

To get this type of immediate injunction, the court will need to consider if:   

  • You are at risk of significant harm.  
  • You will be prevented or deterred from applying if you have to wait.
  • The perpetrator is avoiding being served notice to appear before the court.  

If the court grants a “without notice” order, you will have to return to court for a full hearing once the perpetrator has been served with notice.  

If there are other family proceedings already in progress – for example, for a residence or contact order for a child – the court may want to hear the whole case together but they can still grant an emergency order while you are waiting for the full hearing.  

Do I need to provide evidence?

You will need to tell the court about the abuse you have experienced, outlining both the physical and emotional abuse. This information is often known as a sworn statement or affidavit.   

It may feel overwhelming, as retelling abuse can bring up difficult emotions, especially in court. It will help if you have kept a record of past events or if you have independent evidence, such as police reports or medical records. If you can, try to be as precise as possible about the abuse you experienced; whether it was emotional abuse or physical abuse, when it happened and the effects on you and your children. It’s important that you or your solicitor provides the court with as much evidence as possible, including all aspects of harm caused by the perpetrator’s abusive behaviour. The more information you can give the better. It means the court will be able to provide a more informed decision on the order.   

The court has discretion when deciding to make an order and has to look at all the circumstances, including the likely effect of any order on the health, safety and wellbeing of you and your partner or ex-partner, your conduct in relation to each other, your needs and your financial and housing resources. 

 

The court sometimes suggests that, instead of an injunction, the perpetrator should make an undertaking- a promise to the court not to harass or threaten you. This undertaking is meant to have the same strength as a court order, and a breach of an undertaking constitutes contempt of court, but in practice, undertakings may not be enforced as effectively as an injunction as powers of arrest cannot be attached.

If the perpetrator has used violence or threatened violence, the court should never accept an undertaking and you do not have to agree to accepting one if you do not want to.  

Once an order has been made, you should have a copy and your solicitor should arrange for a printed copy to be handed personally to the perpetrator. The injunction will not be effective if there is no proof that they have received it. 

Power of arrest

Breaching a non-molestation order is a criminal offence, so the police can arrest a person if they have reason to suspect them of being in breach of the order. Breaching an occupation order, however, is not a criminal offence unless a power of arrest has been attached by the court, usually if there is concern that the perpetrator has or may have used violence or threatened violence towards a survivor.   

A copy of the order must be held on record at the police station. You or your solicitor should ensure this happens, and the police can arrest immediately if the order is broken, even without a specific criminal offence having been committed.   

A power of arrest may be attached even if the hearing was held “without notice” if the court believes you are likely to be at risk of harm otherwise.  

Occupation orders are slightly different, however, and a separate “power of arrest” will still be needed. 

What happens if the perpetrator breaks the order? 

If the perpetrator breaks the terms of the injunction, and you are fearful for your safety or that of others, you should call the police.  

If a non-molestation order is breached, the police should arrest them and they are required to bring them back before the court within 24 hours. It is a criminal offence to breach a non-molestation order.  

If there is no power of arrest attached to an occupation order, then you, with the help of your solicitor, may have to go back to court yourself and apply for an arrest warrant. The perpetrator is in contempt of court for disobeying a court order. This means they have been disrespectful towards a court of law; their behaviour has opposed the authority of the court. The court may fine them, impose a suspended sentence or commit them to prison, although this is rare for a first offence. The court is also likely to add a power of arrest to the injunction in order to strengthen it in future.  

If you are unhappy about the enforcement process being taken out of your hands, it should still be possible for you to take the perpetrator back to the County Court or Family Proceedings Court for contempt of court.  

Funding for legal action  

An injunction application is free. If you need a barrister or solicitor to represent you this can cost money.  

However, you may be eligible for Legal Aid to cover the cost of your lawyer. See Rights of Women Guide to Family Law Legal Aid for more information. Civil Legal Advice may also be able to help you to get free and confidential advice from Civil Legal Advice as part of legal aid.  

A restraining order is a temporary court order issued to stop a person from carrying out a particular action. They often focus on stopping someone approaching or contacting a specific person, for example stopping a perpetrator from contacting a survivor. It’s different to an injunction; an injunction can put restrictions on someone before they’ve been charged with a criminal offence, but a restraining order is given at the end of a criminal case. However, it can be given whether the person was found guilty or not.   

This means, if the court believes you are likely to be at risk from your perpetrator, the restraining order can be attached when criminal proceedings have been taken, even if the conviction has not been upheld.  

A restraining order can provide the same protection as injunctions under the civil law but, as they come under criminal law, they can be more effective as they carry stronger penalties.  

Action under the criminal law, coupled with restraining orders, may help you avoid the cost of taking civil legal action if you do not also need to apply for an injunction to exclude your abuser from your home. 

Understanding the role of the police and the Criminal Prosecution Process  

Most forms of domestic abuse are criminal offences, including coercive control. The police should be the first people you contact in an emergency by dialling 999. The non-emergency number for your local police is 101, regardless of your location. Being assaulted, sexually abused, threatened or harassed by someone you know or live with is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger, and is often more dangerous.   

What can the police do?  

If you are in immediate danger, always call 999. 

If you call the police because you are experiencing domestic abuse, their immediate priority should be the safety and wellbeing of you and your children, and to protect everyone present from injury or further harm. They should give you the opportunity to be listened to and spoken to separately, away from your abuser.   

In domestic abuse cases, the role of the police is to investigate. They are not there to mediate, counsel or allocate blame. There is a national domestic violence training programme for all police officers which aims to ensure that all police forces respond appropriately when called to domestic abuse incidents.  

You can also ask to be seen by a female police officer (WPC). They should provide you with an interpreter if you need one and should never ask your children or other family members to interpret in cases of domestic abuse.  

The police should help and support you by:  

  • Protecting you and your children 
  • Removing the risk of further violence – ideally by arresting and removing the perpetrator 
  • Arranging first aid or other medical assistance, such as an ambulance 
  • Finding out what has happened, taking into account the known risk factors associated with domestic abuse 
  • Offering you support and reassurance
  • Helping you to access other agencies, like Women’s Aid  

Domestic abuse should be treated as seriously as an assault or threat from a stranger. Police officers can use their powers to intervene, arrest, caution or charge an abuser.  

What if the police arrest the perpetrator?  

If there are reasonable grounds to justify an arrest, the police should do this without asking your permission or insisting on a statement from you first – though they will need to take one later. If the police arrest the perpetrator, it can demonstrate that the police take domestic abuse seriously and that abusive behaviour is unacceptable.   

The police do not need a warrant to arrest someone who they suspect is about to commit an arrestable offence, nor do they need to witness an assault. The perpetrator can then be held for up to 24 hours (or 36 hours at weekends) before the police submit a charge.  

If the perpetrator has left before the police arrive, the police should circulate a description and make every effort to find them. Officers should also gather evidence in order to charge and build a prosecution case that does not rely entirely on your statement. This could include photos of damage or injury. They should ensure that you and your children are safe while they do this.  This may feel difficult to face but it’s an important stage as it could be used as proof later on.  

If you do call out the police, and they take action against the perpetrator, ask them for the crime reference number and make note of it as this may be helpful in future. If your immigration status is insecure, a record of police attendance to an incident of domestic abuse might form part of your case to apply for leave to remain in the UK.  

Arrest does not necessarily lead to a charge. A charge means the police have formally accused the person of committing a crime. Once someone is charged with an offence they can be taken to court, have a hearing and be sentenced. If the police decide to proceed, they will consult the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) about the charge and will then pass the papers to the CPS who will make the final decision to continue with a prosecution. 

What if the police charge the perpetrator? 

If the police arrest and charge the perpetrator, they will then decide whether to keep them in custody or to release them on bail. If they release them on bail, they will attach conditions to this, aimed at protecting you, your children and any witnesses from further intimidation and violence. The police should make every effort to consult you before making conditional bail decisions. They should also inform you of any conditions, what these conditions mean and what action you should take if these conditions are broken. They should give you as much information as possible and should explain that the responsibility for complying with police bail conditions rests with the perpetrator.  

Prosecuting a perpetrator does not always guarantee your protection or safety in the long term. In some cases, it can increase your risk of harm as the perpetrator of abuse may use the involvement of the police as an excuse to further escalate abuse. Even though you may find the process difficult, emotionally and practically, it is worth considering all of the options and processes to help you reach a safer future.   

What if the police don’t charge the perpetrator?  

This can be difficult to deal with. 

For ongoing support and safety advice, you could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service. They may be able to offer help, such as putting in safety measures such, additional locks on your home or CCTV.  

The police should also offer further options to keep you safe and should explain the outcome of the case to you. The case could end in a few different ways, including:  

  • Being released on bail, there are lots of different bail conditions which may be issued. For example, the perpetrator may have to live at a certain address or report to the police station on a certain date. 
  • Being released under investigation, this means the police believe that a criminal offence has been committed but they don’t have enough evidence to charge the perpetrator. The police cannot hold the perpetrator in custody while they carry out more investigations. 
  • Releasing with no further action (NFA), meaning there is not enough evidence to charge and no further action will be taken.  

Domestic Abuse Protection Orders  

Domestic Violence Protection Orders (DVPOs) can be put in place by the police or magistrates to give immediate protection to a survivor of abuse following an incident of domestic violence, giving time to consider the next steps.   

When a DVPO is in place, a perpetrator can be banned with immediate effect from returning to a residence and from having contact with the survivor for up to 28 days, allowing them time to consider their options and get the support they need. However, the power of a DVPO is limited, as breaching it is not a criminal offence. 

Further information on police services  

Most police forces have a specialist team to provide ongoing follow-up, investigation and risk assessment on domestic abuse incidents called Domestic Violence Units, Community Safety Units or Public Protection Units. These teams have been specially trained to respond sensitively, to give you guidance and to use their knowledge of domestic abuse offending to advise you during the investigation and prosecution processes. If you are reporting past or historical abuse, you can report this to the Domestic Abuse Investigations Team (DAIT). However, it’s important to be aware that the laws at the time of past abuse may be different to today’s and this can affect any charges given.  

Each police force in the UK has its own website which you can find via the UK Police Service Portal.  These give information on how they respond to domestic abuse incidents and what you can expect if you report an incident to them.  

Some police forces use a risk assessment tool to help them identify who is at greatest risk of further harm from the perpetrator. That means that they may ask you questions which may not seem directly related to this offence but will help them decide the extent to which you may be at risk of further abuse.  

Some police forces now share information with other agencies, such as health visitors or social workers, in order to help provide support and protection to women and children most at risk of further domestic abuse.  

If you are unhappy with the way the police responded to you, each police force will have a domestic abuse policy, strategy or guidelines that you could check.  

If you are unhappy with the way the police have treated you, you can make a formal complaint. You could do this through the Independent Office for Police Conduct or your local Women’s Aid organisation or independent domestic violence advocacy service could be able to help you with this. 

Crime prevention officers should be available to help survivors of domestic abuse to suggest improvements to home security, including advice on smoke alarms, burglar alarms and improved lighting.  

Many women who have experienced financial abuse are left with debt but there are steps to help relieve both debt and the associated stress. Legally, if a debt, loan or credit agreement is in your name, you are responsible for paying it. If any are in joint names, you may also still have a responsibility for outstanding debt, regardless of who spent it. However, the companies involved may be able to support you if you can contact them, explaining your situation. Some will have specialist abuse teams. They may be able to make arrangements to pay the money as you can afford it.   

Different debts are treated in different ways and there is lots of advice on how to manage them.   

  • The National Debtline offer expert advice online via their webchat and over the phone on 0808 808 4000.
  • Citizens Advice Bureau offer debt and money advice and may be able to negotiate with companies on payments on your behalf.
  • The Financial Support Line on 0808 196 8845 is run by Surviving Economic Abuse and Money Advice Plus. They may be able to advise you on issues relating to debt. 

It is better not to contact an advert for debt advice as they will often charge or take a percentage of repayments, which could cost you more overall.   

If you have been left with arrears of rent or mortgage, your home could be at risk. If you had a joint tenancy with your abusive partner, both of you are legally liable for the arrears. If the tenancy was with a council or housing association, they may accept that – because of the abuse – you were unable to pay the rent at the time. 

Clare’s Law

Clare’s Law, also known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS), allows women who are concerned about possible abusive behaviour to request information about their partner from the police. A close friend or family member can also apply if they believe someone is at risk of abuse. 

You can make a request under Clare’s Law by finding and contacting your local police service, calling the non-emergency number 101, or by visiting your local police station. The maximum time to complete the whole process is 35 days.  

Once an application has been made, the police will carry out a range of checks along with other partner agencies, such as the probation service, prison service or social services. If there is a record of violent or abusive offences, or if the police feel there is a risk of abuse or violence, they will consider sharing this information with you. A person’s previous convictions are treated as confidential, and the information will only be disclosed if it is lawful and proportionate, and there is a pressing need to make the disclosure to prevent further crime.  

If the checks do not show that there is a pressing need to make a disclosure to prevent further crime, the police will tell you that. This may be because your partner or potential partner does not have a record of abusive offences or there is no information held to indicate they pose a risk of harm to you. If this is the case, it does not mean they are not showing worrying behaviour and what your experiencing is not domestic abuse. 

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]]> The Survivor’s Handbook https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ Thu, 19 Nov 2015 15:44:48 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=7001 The Survivor’s Handbook The Survivor’s Handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with simple guidance on every aspect of seeking support. Alternative formats For alternative formats, including translations, audio recordings and more.

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The Survivor’s Handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with simple guidance on every aspect of seeking support.

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]]> I’m worried about someone else https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/ Wed, 18 Nov 2015 15:52:58 +0000 https://womensaid.org.uk/?page_id=6913 I’m worried about someone else On this page: What is domestic abuse? How you can support someone experiencing abuse The Friends and Family Handbook Supporting survivors – your questions answered Information and support for survivors If you think someone you know is experiencing abuse, taking the time to learn about abuse and how to support […]

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I’m worried about someone else

On this page:

If you think someone you know is experiencing abuse, taking the time to learn about abuse and how to support someone are two important steps in helping your loved one reach safety and freedom.

If someone confides in you that they are experiencing domestic abuse there are some simple things you can do to support them. However, if the person you are worried about has not directly disclosed the abuse to you, it can be more difficult to support them but it’s good to understand how you can be there for them.

When supporting someone experiencing abuse, never put yourself in danger.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviours which take place within an intimate or family relationship, making it difficult for the person experiencing abuse to have control over their own life or leave the relationship. These behaviours can be controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading or violent.

Your friend or family member may be unsure if they are experiencing domestic abuse. If it is safe to do so, you could share types of abuse with them to help them come to terms with what they are experiencing. Try to keep in mind that they might not be ready to accept that their partner or relative is abusive yet.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

It’s important to understand that abuse is always underpinned by a pattern of power and control. Coercive control is a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim, creating a context of fear and control that makes it very hard for women to end the relationship. Coercive and controlling behaviour has been a criminal offence since 2015.

[1] Office for National Statistics (ONS). (2018) Domestic abuse: findings from the Crime Survey for England and Wales: year ending March 2017. Published online: ONS

How you can support someone experiencing domestic abuse 

It takes a lot of strength to talk about experiencing abuse, especially when many women are disbelieved or dismissed when they share their experience.   

When someone reaches out to you, acknowledge that, although she is in a frightening and difficult situation, she is taking an important and brave step forward in reaching out to you. 

For friends and family, it can be really challenging supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse but the most important thing you can do for them is to provide emotional support. Listen to them and believe them. Let them express their feelings to you and give them time and space to come to terms with the abuse.  

Try to keep in mind that domestic abuse is about one person trying to control another – the perpetrator will likely have taken away a lot of the control from them, so try not to do the same. Instead of taking the situation out of their hands or making decisions for them, let them know that there is support available for them if and when they choose to reach out. They may decide that it is not the right time to get support or leave. This is okay, it’s important not to force this or judge them for making this decision. Let her set her own boundaries of what she feels is and isn’t safe, and always remember that she is the expert in her own experiences. However, if you have reason to believe that someone is in immediate danger, then you can call the police, or encourage them to call the police if they are able to do so. 

When she is sharing her experiences, really listen to her, try to understand and don’t blame her. Let her know that she is not alone, and direct her to support services, like the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or Survivors’ Forum.

When she contacts us, we promise we will never judge, we will always have a fully trained female support worker available, we will give space to explore her options and support her to make choices for her and her children and keep everything confidential. Women’s Aid is here for her.  

She may have suffered physical abuse as well as emotional abuse. If she shares this information with you, you could offer to go to the GP or hospital with her. If she feels comfortable doing so, you can help her report assault(/s) to the police.  

The abuser may have told her that she deserves the abuse. Let her know that this is not true, no one deserves to be threatened or hurt. There is no justification for the abuser’s behavior, the abuser is the only one responsible for their actions.

Use supportive language  

It can be hard to hear your loved one talk about what she is going through but it’s important that your feelings don’t become judgmental words.  

Judgmental language around domestic abuse can perpetuate dangerous stereotypes. It can make it more difficult for women to understand the abuse they are experiencing, come to terms with it, and reach out for professional support.  

Instead of ‘If I were you, I’d leave’, try showing that you understand the many barriers she is facing, from financial to emotional, saying, ‘I understand there are barriers to you leaving’. Leaving is a huge decision, which could lead to further abuse, and it’s important she makes her own decisions when she feels ready.   

It’s also important to be an empowering voice and not blame her for the abuse. Instead of ‘What did you do to provoke him?’, try ‘You don’t deserve this, no matter what’ or instead of ‘That sounds unlike him’, try ‘Your feelings are valid and I believe you.’  

When you’re supporting someone, your words are powerful. It’s vital that survivors get the right response when they reach out to you.   

Remember to look after yourself while you are supporting someone through a difficult and emotional time. Don’t put yourself in any dangerous situations, you shouldn’t offer to talk to the abuser about your friend or put yourself in any situations where you could be seen by the abuser as a threat to their relationship. If the abuser knows that your friend or family member is reaching out for help, or if you confront them about the abuse, this may escalate the abuse. 

The Friends and Family Handbook

Looking for support but don’t know where to start? Click here.

Supporting survivors – your questions answered

My friend's partner is abusive

If your friend is experiencing abuse, it’s likely that the abuser will try to isolate her from friends and family so it’s important that you let her know that you are always there for her and keep communicating with her if it is possible and safe to do so. If she openly talks about the abuse with you, this is a positive sign. Make sure you are able to direct her to professional support services, like Women’s Aid, where she will be supported to make safe decisions.   

Your friend may be feeling ashamed or feel she is to blame for the abuse, or that she deserves it, as abusers often tell the person they are hurting that it is their fault. It’s important to know that domestic abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. There’s nothing that your friend could do that would make it acceptable for him to abuse her. Her self-esteem will likely be low so it’s good to lift her up and let her know that she is much stronger than she feels at the moment.   

She may still love him and believe that he may change. Unfortunately, until she acknowledges he is abusive and is ready to reach out for support, the abuse is likely to continue. It usually gets worse over time.  

Talk to her about all of these things and try not to be judgmental if she isn’t ready to reach out for support yet. As a friend, one of the best things that you can do is direct her to expert support. If she is ready to think about leaving, support staff may direct her to a refuge, however, the decision to leave the relationship has to ultimately come from her and sometimes it may take several attempts. There are legal options she could pursue such as an injunction against him, or involving the police but it’s important she is properly supported to do this. Direct her to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Survivors’ Forum, or her local domestic abuse service.

If you feel that either you or your mum are in physical danger you should call the police. They are the only service that will be able to intervene in order to protect you both.  

It’s important to talk to your mum and make sure that she knows you are there for her as it’s likely that the abuser will try to isolate her from her family. If you live in the home with your mum you could talk to her about how the abuse is affecting you and making you feel. Remember you also have a right to live in a home free from abuse.  

Your mum may feel that she is to blame for the abuse. Remember that only the abuser is responsible for the abuse, there is nothing that your mum could do that would make it acceptable for him to treat her this way.   

There is help available for your mum, and you. Services like The Mix or Barnardos can support you. You could tell your mum about the Women’s Aid Live Chat or a local domestic abuse service. If she wants to get out of the home, these expert services can help her access legal options, like having him removed from the home.  

Information and support for survivors 

Our domestic abuse services provide a wide range of information and support to survivors of abuse from fully trained, expert female support workers. Many are for survivors only, but it’s useful to know what we provide so you can share them with your loved ones experiencing abuse.  

Women’s Aid is not an emergency service. If you think you might be in danger, call the police on 999.  

If you are a professional, currently working with a survivor of abuse, Women’s Aid runs the dedicated service for professionals to support you. 

Our Women’s Aid services include: 

Domestic Abuse Directory

Our directory contains up to date information about domestic abuse support services across the UK. It is regularly updated by the services listed so you’ll be able to find the right local support, when you need it most.

Survivors’ Forum

Survivors of abuse can speak with other women in our supportive community of domestic abuse survivors on our Survivors’ Forum. It’s a safe, anonymous, space for women (over 18) who have been affected by domestic abuse to share their experiences and support one another.

Survivor’s Handbook

This handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with guidance on seeking support and reaching safety.

No Woman Turned Away

The No Woman Turned Away project provides dedicated support and telephone advocacy to women experiencing domestic abuse who face barriers in accessing a refuge space or safe accommodation. Survivors can find out more about the No Woman Turned Away project by getting in touch with our expert support workers through our email service.

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