A thank you note to Gisèle Pelicot: from Women’s Aid and survivors everywhere
By Women’s Aid CEO, Farah Nazeer
As with all those who work in the violence against women and girls (VAWG) sector, I first became aware of Gisèle’s story as it broke across international media in 2024, when she waived her right to anonymity and spoke the famous words: ‘shame must change sides’.
At Women’s Aid, for over 50 years, we have been working with victims and survivors of abuse as they escape their tormentors, rebuild their lives and seek justice. And I can tell you that those words will have meant everything to those women. Sadly, we still live in a society that treats domestic abuse as largely invisible – stereotypes about who is more likely to experience it still prevail, as do the ideas that abuse is only abuse when the repercussions are physically visible. These prejudices follow women as they break free and seek justice, with countless women reporting that they didn’t feel like they were believed by those in the criminal justice system, with others saying that the system was weaponised against them by abusers. Gisèle’s outstanding bravery in choosing an open court represents an enormous step towards eradicating the silence that cloaks the experiences of so many women. And her book, published today, goes even further.
A Hymn to Life: Shame Has to Change Sides, published in the UK today, is poignant, searingly honest and brave. Yes, the book speaks to survivors and their experiences, making them feel seen, heard and validated. But it also breaks down the stereotypes around violence against women and children – a vital step if we ever hope to live in a society which no longer tolerates it.
A heartbreaking example of this runs throughout the book, as Gisèle talks about her and Monsieur Pelicot’s (Monsieur Pelicot is how she addresses him in the book and during court) almost 50 year-long relationship and being seen as the ‘perfect couple’ and acting like ‘teenagers’. From the outside, they were perfect, in love and committed to one another, yet she talks about ‘all the incidents that I now realised were signals I had missed’. We know from our work with survivors just how true this is – abuse is insidious and so often ‘invisible’ to the outside world, yet like a slow poison, it is always there, circulating and destroying the relationship and the love that led to it, piece by piece. Gisèle was there for her husband, as women were expected to be for millennia, time and again supporting him through difficult family dynamics, through career setbacks and even the initial ‘upskirting’ charge, yet the entire time, he was abusing her.
Gisèle’s book is also incredibly powerful when it comes to describing the impact of trauma on the wider family, as well as on the generations that follow them. She speaks with unerring frankness about the awful abuse that she heard about, and witnessed herself, in Monsieur Pelicot’s family. She describes in visceral detail the abusive relationship between her father-in-law and mother-in-law, Denis and Juliette – something that would be so uncomfortable and unsettling to see for their children, yet sadly still too common and ultimately, no excuse for abuse. She also talks about the impact that Monsieur Pelicot’s abhorrent actions had on her own family and their children. The tragic reality of domestic abuse is that it goes far beyond the abuser and the survivor. It impacts families, it hurts children, who become victims in their own right, and it continues to feed into misogynistic and sexist attitudes that still plague our society. If we stand a chance of ending the epidemic of VAWG, much of the work must be centred around children and young people – they must be supported, they must be taught and they must understand what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to healthy relationships. Respect and consent are cornerstones of any loving relationship – without this knowledge, we are just going to continue the cycles of abuse that we have born witness to.
In addition to the many lessons Gisèle’s book teaches us about the nature of abuse, the impact it has and the questions that survivors are left to grapple with, it also left me with an overwhelming sense of hope. ‘I heard joy and anger prevailing over silence, and I am more than happy to offer my experience as an example and my name as a battle flag’ are Gisèle’s words in the final chapter. She has become the face and voice of resistance, bravery and hope. She has challenged abusers, she has held them to account and, as a result, has kept countless other women safe from their predation.
Gisèle is a survivor and an ally, and if there is anything I learnt from my years of working in VAWG and leading Women’s Aid, is that we need each other. We are a sisterhood and together, we are unbeatable. We will come together for as long as we need to, until every sister, daughter, friend, colleague is safe. And as we do, we will turn to women like Gisèle – survivors who advocate and campaign, who face the unthinkable and rise up stronger. And above all, who never lose hope.